I have been to HELL and back.........

Over the weekend, my parents were in town for the Christmas holiday. Typically, when they are here, we enjoy going to the movies, shopping (especially at Christmas), and just hanging out talking. This weekend however, my father took me to HELL...

So you may be wondering what my version of HELL is. It was a journey to our local Cabela's. Now many of you out there may love Cabela's. This was my first journey there. What a Treat!

My dad was shopping for shotgun shells for his riffle? that he hasn't shot in 30 years, and is having resorted. So, I was game/curiously excited to make the journey when he asked if I wanted to go.

When I arrived, I was not surprised that I was the Best Dressed person there. After all, it is a requirement that you are wearing Wranglers (yes, the ones that fit so tight that your butt is going to explode out the back of them), cowboy boots, and yes...a country western ring tone on your phone.

You might be saying what the crack, a country western ring tone? Yes it is true! I heard at a minimum 10 different phones go off with a song that went something like this....

"I have my pregnant girlfriend who I just shacked up with in the back of my F-150. She has got a gun as big a mine...that's why I love her. We like to go shopping at Cabela's for our butt hugging Wranglers. We just hope that when we bend over, our butts don't rip out of the back!

So...If you have not had the opportunity to go and witness the greatness that is Cabela's, I advise you to stop what your doing, take your camera, and go immediately! Don't forget to take pictures of the craziness and email them to todaysrant@gmail.com!

I don't get Dude language...Another Story From The Gym!

So...

A couple of day's ago, I was at the gym, Yes, sitting in the sauna (where all people become crazy and STUPID). There was a girl and I (both wearing our iPods), and another guy. Background info: The girl was laying on the top bench and I was sitting. The way the benches work is that the top one sits on the bottom one. So...if you are sitting ont he top bench, your feet are on the bottom. Typically, when there is more than two or three, I will pull my feet up to the top bench so there is more room for people to sit.

When the second guy came in, I scooted over so that he could sit on the top bench if he wanted. Of course, the girl laying down was a complete Tool and did not move (for those who are not gym goers, that is bad gym edicate). All of the sudden, another guy entered the sauna...this is where things go crazy).

So that second guy said "what's up my brother." This made me confused because neither guy #1 nor guy #2 looked like each other. Guy #2 responded by saying "What's up?" Then I heard guy #2 start taking crazy (this is when I turned off my iPod). "Man you know what is bad for you?" said guy #2. "Beer!" Then he said "you know what is good for you?....Wine." Guy #2 said "yes...the red kind! Its got all of those antioxidants in it."

Then guy #2 starting taking about when he was in high school and he drank liquid cocaine. What the crack is that????

To continue....guy #1 responded by saying "man, I would never drink anything that is called liquid cocaine. Man that must really mess you up." "Yes man...it does" replied guy #2. Then guy #1 said that he would never drink that because he had a brother he did cocaine in high school. Then he turned to drug dealing and ended up in prison. Apparently that was bad because he has a "shorty" in San Diego that he has not seen in three years.

Okay, let me stop there. What the CRACK is a shorty? Is it a kid, a girlfriend? Please, someone who can interprete stupid dude language fill me in.

Guy #2 said "really, your brother is in prison? Man, I joined the army because I was messed up and I did not really want to go to prison."

Okay....no offense to those who serve our country, but I don't want only those who join so that they can stay out of jail serving our country. That is crazy!!!!

The morale of this story and many on this blog is that if you are going to talk stupid and say stupid things (even if you are speaking in your native language of Dude), be aware of those around you. Even those with iPods in may turn them off to hear your crazy (and yes...blog about them).

Sorry for the lack of posting....

It has been several days since I have had the opportunity to blog. I have been earnestly looking for stories to tell you all, but with the holiday's, stupid people have not been up to their job of being stupid. Until today............

Okay...I have another gym story...this is where I get my best stuff.

So today, I was sitting in the sauna when another guy came in. I had my iPod on which is typically for most people at my gym. Full Disclosure....my iPod has been having some problems. One side of the ear phones stopped working. So as I sat in the sauna, I could hear music out of only one side (that is the important part).

After being in the sauna for a couple of seconds (really like 2), the other guy started talking to himself. I thought this was weird, so of course, I turned down my iPod so I could ease drop. What the guy was saying was a bit odd. HE STARTED SAYING OBSCENITIES!!! He was saying S$%@$%$ and F&*&%%$$&*, and all kinds of CRAZY!!! What was interesting was that he was not saying it in a way like he was in pain or that the sauna was hot. He was saying it in an enjoyable way.

The morale of this story is....if you see someone with earphones on, don't assume that you can talk crazy and no one will notice/blog about it later! What a Tool!

The Ridiculousness of Beyonce....AKA...I Am...Shasha Fierce

Okay....Full Disclosure...I think that Beyonce is incredible. Her new CD is GREAT! Okay...on with the rant.

Her new double disc CD is called I AM...Sasha Fierce. For those who live under a rock and do not keep up with Beyonce, Sasha Fierce is an alter ego (that she uses for her performances). Now, I get that, but how whacked out is it that she has a name for her alter ego?

Not to be out done by her, I have created my own alter ego. I am calling it AH...Fierce. I have also decided write a one man show and I will call it...I am...AH Fierce,/You May Now Worship Me! Like Beyonce, the first half of the show will be called I am...AH Fierce and the second half will be called You May Now Worship Me!

Imagine this. Me (the sexy beast that I am) descending from a platform out of the air doing the Beyonce walk from the music video Crazy In Love....Gosh that is great STUFF!!!

In Honor of crazy Beoynce, I would like to bring your attention to a song that is on her new album. It is my new mantra:

It's too big, It's too wide, It's too strong, It wont fit
It's too much It's too tough I talk like this Cuz I can back it up
I have a big ego, Such a huge ego, You love my big ego
It's too much, I walk like this Cuz I can back it up

Thanks Beyonce!!!!

Support the Foundation

Our foundation 10,000 Strong will be expanding its charitable services (as soon as people donate money). By donating a $1 (done through Pal to todaysrant@gmail.com), you will be donating to our charity (i.e. my plastic surgery). .05% of all donations will go towards a new cause....buying combs for the ugly. We at Today's Daily Rant believe that we could heal the world by helping the ugly. As we all know, 90% of ugliness can be cured with a good comb over.

Don't delay act NOW!!!

The Awakening

Today while I was sitting on the toilet, eating the last cupcake, and hiding from my children (in fear that they would find out that I was eating the last cupcake), I had a great awakening. THERE ARE SO MANY UNATTRACTIVE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

Now, I know what you the reader have by now realized that I am very self-consumed. But really.....you know how the government is creating a new governmental position for a car czar? I want to be a czar for the ugly.

What I find interesting is that most people are not ugly by nature. They just make really bad choices when it comes to combing their hair (or not), they wake up in the morning and make a cognisant decision to have low self-esteem (by the way they dress themselves). I would like to make my first declaration to the ugly as their czar. WAKE UP, GET A COMB, and USE IT!!!!

I DON'T WANT TO BE UNATTRACTIVE!!!!!!

To being with....the back story.........

I am a true believer that the car that you drive can have a direct impact on how you feel about yourself.  Call it shallow....who cares?  If I am driving a vehicle that makes me feel powerful, sexy, cool, admired by all whom I pass....I will fell good about myself.

I have been known to test drive a vehicle prior to buying it and driving past the downtown business.  They provide me the opportunity (thanks to their giant windows) to view how attractive I look in the vehicle I am driving prior to purchasing it.  The simple formula here is that if I look HOT....then I buy the car.  If I do not, that is a signal not to buy the car.

I have also been known to test drive vehicles and while test driving them, making the passenger get out so that I can back the car up, pass the passenger on the road, just so I can ask them how good I look in the vehicle.

10 years ago, I purchased a vehicle called...gulp....a Dodge Grand Caravan.  My wife typically drives this car because the moment that I step into the Caravan, I immediately get low self esteem.  My car on the other hand is a Dodge Durango.  I love this car.  It makes me feel powerful, sexy, and in charge!!!!   

Due to the recent economic downturn (i.e. gas is so expensive), I have begun to drive the Dodge Grand Caravan (which shall be known here on out in this blog as the ghetto mini van).  Today when I got to work, I realized how bad the day would be.  Not because I had a busy day planned, but rather because I had just stepped out of the esteem sucking ghetto mini van.  

When I got into my office, my co-workers noticed that I was not my normal chipper self.  One co-worker asked "what is wrong."  I exclaimed (okay...ranted)  "I DON'T WANT TO BE UGLY....I DON'T WANT TO BE UNATTRACTIVE."  The co-worker asked..."what brought this on?"  I then again ranted "I DRIVE A MINIVAN!"  They obviously did not understand because they drive a Toyota 4-Runner.

I did decided today that I needed to trade in my ghetto minivan on a Hummer.  I found own at a steal (mmmm....maybe this is because of the gas prices lately).  Oh who cares....gas is now cheap, global warming is a myth, and I would look powerful, sexy, and have a HUGE self-esteem boost.  I MUST BUY NOW!!!!

Diet...A Key to My Awsomeness

I am often asked how do I stay so awsome!!! They key is in the diet. So in today's blog, I am giving up my well guarded secret.

Daily, I have: 1 Breakfast Monster, 1 Lunch Monster, and Dinner. That's it folks. I stay awsome and young and very attractive/desirable because I drink 2 Monster's a day. Yes...this is the same Monster drink you can buy at your local grocery store of convenience store. For me, I buy a case of it every two weeks from Costco. The best part of drinking Monster is that for me, it acts like a diuretic. I can eat whatever I want, and I can crap it out and still keep my hotness.

Oh....I also go to the gym daily!

Today at the Gym....Edicate Please!!!!

Definition: A Cougar is defined as an older women who dates younger men. An example: Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher. A Couger + is one who is really old!!!

Today at the gym, I did my normal routine. I started with cardio (10 minutes on the stair stepper), lifted some wieghts, did my abs, and then I hit the sauna. At my gym, the sauna is in a common area where they have a wet and dry sauna, and a hot tub. I like the dry sauna because I can sweat (get skinny), clear my pours (get skinny), do more ab excercises (get skinny), stretch (get skinny) and then I get dressed.

Now both sauna's have glass doors. So anyone who is out at the hot tub can see in and view what your doing. So I was doing my normal routine in the sauna. I noticed that there was an old women out by the hot tub. I would periodically catch her looking at me. I can't blame her for this since again...I am an attractive person (at least in my own mind). When I got out of the sauna, I was feeling a bit dizzy. So I sat on a bench on the wall. Again...I caught this old women staring at me.

Now don't get me wrong....I have no problem with old women staring at me (it helps me build a greater confidence). After all....Cougars are in. But this women was a Cougar ++.

The morale of the story is...next time you go to a gym, don't stare at the people who are working out. It just is not good edicate and it creeps people out!!!

Full Disclosure

Welcome friends, family, and those who want to read my daily rants. The sole purpose of this blog is for me to rant about the things I find funny, stupid, or just plain outrageous. Oh...one more purpose...making a dream come true.

Have you ever wished upon a stra (yes...really a star) for something that you really wanted? Something you wanted so bad that you would begin a blog for that purpose. Well..that is what I am doing. Help a total stranger's dream come true. Donate to my cause...Plastic Surgery!

Okay...I know that you must be thinking WHAT!@$#%#$^???? No really, I am an attractive person (at least I think so), but like most people, I want to improve myself. Specifically, I want to improve my calf's. This might sound outrageous to want since I do go to the gym daily. But, I have no desire to do those annoying and painful exercises that would make my calf's become so big. So...I would rather go through a few days (or weeks) of pain so that I can obtain my ultimate vanity achievement.

So I am asking each of you to donate $1 to my cause. This should be done through Pay Pal to todaysrant@gmail.com

Thanks for your support!

Britney on GMA

Did anyone see Britney on GMA this week? Okay...I couldn't resist setting my TiVo. Who could resits seeing a train wreck as it happens. Don't get me wrong, I love crazy Britney, but sometimes watching her is like seeing a car pulled over by the police and we all slow down to see what is going on.

In all fairness, her performance was great! So what if she walked through half the choreography and lip-synced most the notes...who cares? The overall performance quality of the production was an A+.

With that, I am sadden that we all may have seen the end of crazy Britney. After all, she seems to have shaped up her life. Not to mention that will the little that she wore for the GMA performance, we could all tell that she is much more fit that she was a year ago. I was so pleased...I could see THREE RIBS!!!! GO Britney!!!

Little Nuggets of Joy

Tis the season where many of us look for opportunities to do kind things for others, and when others do kind things for us. The spreading of kindness brings joy and happiness to many all around the world. I like to call such deads Nuggets of Joy.

I frequently am the recipient of Nuggets of Joy, and I do feel bless by this (okay...this is getting cheessy...keep reading). My Nuggets of Joy come from when someone does something kind, or when someone does something stupid that I can make fun of.

An example......

I was on my way to work a few days ago. Taking the same route I normally take, I know that there are area's where cops love to camp out and get those who speed. At one point in the road, it curves and immediately becomes a school zone.

I was traveling behind a vehicle that kept cutting me off, they almost hit a pedestrian, and was just about to incite road rage within me.

As we both traveled around this curve of the road, I (the one who travels it daily and oh...there are always multiple bike cops awaiting any speeders) slowed down. The Tool cut off another car and as I said to myself "where are the police?" That is when out of no where....da da da da...a bike cop PULLED OVER THE TOOL!

Now I know that this is a season for giving. So I want to say thank you to that Tool for giving me my daily Nugget of Joy!

10,000 Strong...Please Help Our Economy

We all know that the economy is in a tail spin. So why don't you do your part and contribute to a great cause. I am calling it 10,000 strong (My new charity). Yes...that's all I need to get my calf implants. Donate today through Pay Pal and feel good knowing that you have contributed to the economy, the end of our economic crisis, and the betterment of my looks.

Growing Up In A Small Town Part 1

I know that you all have been waiting for today's posting...especially since I gave you a teaser yesterday. I have decided to talk about my growing up in a small town as a mini series. Yes....just like on TV.

Part 1

I spent a good portion of my life in a small community. Growing up there was very rewarding and provided many opportunities that a large community would not have afforded me. That being said.....on with the RANT!

One of my favorite things about growing up in this particular small town was the fact that prostitution was legal. Yes...the worlds oldest profession that in most communities is shammed was legal in the community in which I grew up. In this backward community, it was not only legal, but many saw it as a rite of passage into adulthood. Yes, I knew many high school students whom when they turned the rite ole age of 18, their fathers (or male figures that their moms shacked up with) would take them down to the brothel.

So...the community had three brothels. What was best about them is that the town promoted as a tourist attraction a train. The train was great for families, old people, and all train enthusiasts. The train tracks ran right behind one of the brothels. As the train approached the brothel, the train engineer would whistle its horn signaling to the hmmm..how should I put it?....Well call them....women of the night...to come out and wave to the train.

Now these were not the type of women you would see in a Jay-Z music video shaking their rumps. Yes, the women of the nightly were not very attractive. I guess lying on your back for a living does not promote good hygiene or beauty.

Another brothel had an interesting sign above the door. (Full Disclosure Time...I have never personally been into one of these brothels. However...I used to take my family and friends on tours of the town, and yes...the main attraction was the red light district). The sign that was posted directly above the ATM machine that was just outside the front door (not so sutle is it?) read "Now that you have had all the rest, come in for the best!" WHAT THE CRACK?!@$%^&?? I think this demonstrates the mentality of the industry.

At Christmas time...the community would show their true colors...literally. Just as most other communities, the town would get all decorated with a Santa in the town park, a Nativity, and Christmas lights criss crossing down Main street. The best part of the Christmas lights were the very last string. I bet you can not guess what color they were? RED! Now that is class!

Several years ago, there were a group of people who wanted to revers the law that made prostitution legal in this community. As one growing up there, I thought...okay...most people would oppose this because the topic is so taboo. No would would want to discuss it let along support it. NOT IN THIS COMMUNITY!!! I should have remembered that going to the brothel was a rite of passage for the men.

There were petitions in support of the Women of the night and brothels. Of course, the petition's were made public and reading them brought me many days full of Nuggets of Joy!

That may seem odd to hear, but it was amazing to see people whom you respected, whom were communities leaders sign their name in favor of a brothal!!! There was even a city counsel meeting where people actually stood up and expressed their support for the Women of the night and brothels.

So you may be curious as to what the brothels looked like. Like I said, I have not been in them, but I know people who have.

Apparently, there is a giant menu board of ummm....services that are offered and their accompanying cost. Yes...a menu board like McDonald's. You can walk up to the bar, place your order, and one of the women of the night would take you back into the shadows of shame for servicing.

The brothels looked like a compound. They were surrounded by a giant concrete wall with ghetto single wide trailers. Now these were not new trailers, but rather those that were probably picked up from a junk yard that were destroyed (or what most would considered destroyed) by tornado's. I am certain that if you even steeped into one of these trailers, you would immediately get a disease. I guess it is HARD to care when you are ummm.....getting serviced.

Needless to say...nothing has changed. It amazes me that something that again is so taboo to discuss (except of course on my blog), something so backwards, oppressive, and just plain discussing would still be legal today.

Oh a happier note...We should all be grateful for those who are supporting the local women of the night. After all, with an economy in the dumps, no one would want to see these poor girls out of work, not using the skills that they have perfected.