Friday, June 18, 2010

Just an observation....another tale from the gym

The other day I was at the gym on the elliptical. Now, my gyms ellipticalS are below a second story room where they hold aerobic classes that has a wall of glass that faces out to the rest of the gym. As u was exercising, I looked up and noticed something freighting. The class being taught was a yoga class. Now don't get me wrong, many like to hide in the back of the class because they are not comfortable with being up front, u get it. But to move to the back against a glass wall...bad idea!

When I looked up, I saw a women in a crazy yoga pose with her arm and leg in the air. Unfortunately, thus person did not anticipate that people would be able to see her. She did not plan her wardrobe accordingly. So...bite to all those who hide in the back of the class, please cover yourself when your in a compromising position. No one down below wants to see your....ummm....hotness?!?

I'm in hell.......

I'm in he'll...can you guess where I'm at? If you guessed the DMV, you'd be correct. So I decided that I needed to by a moped. Unfortunatley, now I have to register it. Where did I go wrong? Wasn't it enough that i supported our crapy economy with this purchase? Apparently not! As a way for the State of Nevada to say thank you, the subject me to a hour in line just to get a numbered ticket. I have to admit that I was found worthy to proceed to the next stage after I presented all the appropriate documentation, promised my first born, and provided a sample of my DNA. I just hope that within another hour, I can get my moped registered.

So that I'm nit just a complainer, I would like to offer some sugguesrions. First, with unemployment hitting 14 percent this month, would it be so hard to get some if the free loaders in here to direct traffic, or better yet, to help serve the public that pays their unemployment? Either way, were paying them. Why nit make them work fir it? Second, cab we gave a DMV fir all the nasty ugly people, and one for all the illegals? Ahhh, they take up so much space in line!

Truth be told, I'd just be happy for some hand sanitized!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

My New Mantra

Here is my new mantra that I will live my life by...

All I've ever wanted is to look good naked
Hope someone can take it

Someone please save me from my rejection
From my reflection
I want perfection!

If I throw up....

If I look at you and throw up a little in my mouth, don't get mad. It's just that your so ugly that looking at you causes this physical reasponse!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Like A Prayer...

Today I was waiting to go to church which is at 1:00 (which is death waiting for). So to pass the time, I was watching Meet the Press and This Week. After I drove my family away, I decided to listen to some music on my awsome iPhone. I thought I should listen to something that would be spiritually uplifting and get me in the mood to go to church. Question...does anyone see an issue with my choice of songs "Like a Prayer?". I have to admit that it was not the original and controversial version by Madonnam, but it was the Glee version. So, it must be okay for Sunday listening.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Sexytime...We're so classy......

The other night, my wife and I were going to have a little (wait HUGE) sexytime. I asked her if she wanted some candle light fir romance. Si I paused our T.V. For those of you that don't have Direct TV, it gas a screen saver that is totally hot! After that, she asked if I wanted a massauge, of course I was into it. Then I said I would go get the Pam cooking spray. We're so classy!

Cottage Cheese A@$...Sex and the City

Disclaimer...before you read this, please be advise that you may be offended. Oh who cares, if you follow my blog, ive probably already offended you.

So with the upcoming release of the movie Sexy and the City 2, I have heard reports of department stores gearing up. They are offering huge discounts in anticipation for women to go out and by a new outfit to see the movie, this is for real! Check out your local Macy's...they are partnering with the movie studio who is producing S&C 2 to offer special discounts.

That being said...I would like to give a word of caution to all the ladies out there.

Today, I saw a women who had to be wearing an outfit inspired by S&C. It was a fancy dress and she had what appeared to be at least 6" heals on (wait, may be a hooker. Hmmmmm...). Anyway, when she turned around and I saw her a@$, it was apparent that she did not step into the What Not To Wear 360 degree mirror. No, the dress did not ride up, it was not even to short. It was worse than all of that combined! The dress was painted on her butt. Not just that, it hugged so tight that she looked like she had cottage cheese stuffed in her underwear!

So ladies, as you head out to buy your S&C outfit, do spin around and take a look in the mirror. You want people to think your hot, not blogging about your cottage cheese a@$!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Keney Rodgers...What a hot mess!

Okay let's begin with a confession. I love Oprah! I especially a crazy Oprah.

On with today's rant...

So today I was watching Oprah. She had on another idol of mine Dolly Parton (who we all know pioneered plastic surgery and without her efforts (I mean all natural breasts), we would not have the medical advancement in the feild of plastic surgery).

Dolly sang a couple of songs which were great! I was also able to forgive crazy Oprah for her singing (you know whenever Oprah has a musician on her show and she says she loves cut #1, but when that number us sung Oprah tries to sing the song and it is apparent she has no clue what the words are...that is a nugget if joy). Anyway, today Oprah knew the words. Brava!

My favorite part was when Dolly was singing and the giant screen separated behind her and out came the freakest thing I've ever seen. It was a 70 year old, father of 5 year old twins, plastic surgery all gone wrong King...Kenny Rogers. I have never seen such a freely image.

Let's all take a moment tonight and chant to Oprah that she will put forth all her power and tell Keney to put the knife down!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

You might be a hooker if...

Just an observation I had today. You might be a Hooker if you were a black skirt that is so short that I can see your vijayjay with back tights and 8" heels. Just a suggestion for those who are thinking of stepping out of the house wearing an outfit like that, your a hooker and your probably on your way to the prom.

Take me out to the ballgame...

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to go to a AAA baseball game with my son. It was a lot of fun spending the time with my son, that being said, of course I took notes to blog about.

Let's begin...WHF(redrick)! Being at a baseball game is tons of fun! You get to spend a ridiculous amount if money on crappy food and souvenirs. Then you get to sit in a hard seat for slat least 2 1/2 hours watching people crouched over like they are getting a prostate examine in hope (cross your fingers) that one of these overpaid athletes (that last word might be a stretch) might hit a ball. While they are waiting on their bases, they stand their adjusting, fidgeting and grabbing their crotch. Just a thought here. But would it be to much to ask for some company out there to make a girdle that fits?

The other joy that I'd had was having to listen to a bunch of idiots yell at the batter. WTF(redrick)...why would anyone do this? As if the batter could here you in an audience if 8333! Also...who ever thought that those stupid horns were a good idea is an idiot!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

I'm Affraid God Won't Recognize Me

Now that I have decided that I need to have plastic surgery, I am conflicted about whether or not to proceed. I recently began thinking about after I die what will become of my hotness. Sure, anything that I put into my body that is plastic will take much longer to decompose. But, we all die and our spirits (that look just like us...even after plastic surgery) goes to heaven.

So...If my plastic surgery sprit goes to heaven, I'm affraid that God won't recognize me. I ask myself, "Will he let me in?" I mean, I would technically be the same person inside...but a lot hotter on the outside.

Your thoughts????

AHHH....I Feel So FAT

I just finished lunch (I had 4 Ritz crackers) and I feel so fat. This is probably because I had 4 verses 3 crackers.

Anyway...this is one of the reasons why I need plastic surgery. Bring on the Lipo!

I know that there are many out there who would question why I would want Lipo. After all, most of us have watched the procedure on the Discovery, or TLC channels. It does not look like a procedure that one would want to do. But for me...I want to be hot!

Why should I have to suffer by only seeing 3 1/2 ribs. I want to see all 6! If I have to suffer through a rod being shoved up my abdominal cavity and have all of my fat sucked out, I am all for it to look HOT!

Monday, January 4, 2010

Messages of Hope...

I never understood why people put messages of hope on their cars let alone messages that they can wear. Frequently, I see a scripture of something like that on t-shirts. The other day, I saw a t-shirt that said "blessed are those who are humble." Since I am not the most humble person, I thought that I should have a t-shirt that said..."Blessed are those who are stupid who put stupid sayings on their shirts."

That would also go well with my own 10 commandments.

1. Thou shalt not be stupid and put stupid things on your shirts.
2. Thou shalt be awesome.
3. Thous shalt not be ugly.
4. Thou shalt wax any part of the body that is unnecessarily hairy.
5. Thou shalt not wear collegiate wear as your daily wardrobe.
6. Thou shalt not expose your crack (I'll discuss this later).
7. Thou shalt look in the mirror before you leave the house.
8. Thou shalt not wear mid-drifts if you have had a c-section/any body fat that would hang out.
9. Thou shalt give to the children (i.e. my charity...for more explanation read the earlier posts).
10. Thou shalt recognize my greatness and praise "The Gift."

Other Peoples New Year's Resolutions...What's Up Phatties

Okay...let's all be honest with each other. We all overate during the holidays and became FAT! Now that we have gotten that off our chests, on with the Rant!

I was at my home...the house of ego (i.e. the gym) on New Years day, and you could tell who had the resolution of de-fatting themselves. I love seeing all of the people out there who make this a New Year's resolution. Its not hard to spot them...they are overweight (generally) and they have a really neat new workout outfit.

Now don't get me wrong...I totally support those who want/need to lose weight. What I have to laugh about is why would you buy a new workout outfit (which in most cases hugs the butt to tight) when you know you won't see it through. Yes...its true, I call it like I have seen it. At my gym, I have only seen a handful of people actually make it past February with the "lose weight" resolution.

WTH.......Tender Mercy's

I have to share something odd that I saw this weekend. In the community where I live, I frequently see people who have signs asking for money, food, gas, help, or whaterver else their little hearts want. This weekend, I saw someone trying to pull at my heartstrings (and have tender mercy).

There was a lady sitting in front of the grocery store with a sign that said "being evicted need help."

I was not shocked by seeing this...after all, people are suffering hard right now. What I did think was odd was that the lady had clutched in her hand a Louis Vuitton bag! WHAT THE CRACK!!!! If I was panhandling and I had a Louis, I would LEAVE IT AT HOME!!!! The idea behind panhandling is that you need to look like your desperate for what you want. Holding a purse that costs over a grand is not that way to look like you need help!

Friday, January 1, 2010

New Years Resolutiosn....

As part of my annual process of self-evaluation (which is hard since I am fully aware of my greatness), I have come up with my annual list of New Year's Resolutions.

#1. Become More Wealthy: Thanks so Suzie Orman (who is my new Deity), I will follow her adivce implicitly. Thus...I will be more wealthy (that of course is if I don't get fired...Oh...the pressure).

#2. Share more of the Gift: No need to explain.

#3. Become even more sexy: Christmas and New Years have ruined my sexiness. Today, I returned to the gym after a week off and I am going to hit it hard. I gained 10 pounds during this last two weeks. Thus, my new diet. 1 Breakfast Monseter, 1 Lunch Monster, and a Cheerio for Dinner.

#4. Hmmm...I can't think of anything else. Ah PERFECTION!


After a long break, I have now come to a new realization of my greatness and the gift (that litterally means me) that I have to share with the world.

On my way to work, I have the great pleasure of passing through my own downtown. It is always to see the women hard at work (i.e. the whores) and all of the crack heads who talk to themselves. On Christmas Eve, I was on my way to work, and I saw lots of homeless people. This really made me sad. Probably not in the conventional way that it would make most weak people feel sad. I just wished that I did not have to look at them. I get living on the street (especially during this difficult time in our economy), but could the city please come and scoop these people off the street for a couple of hours while I am going to work.

No offense to those in need. Afterall, I do support many organizations by writting a check. I write checks so that I don't have to feel all the sadiness in the world. Also...I figure that if I don't have to see it, it really does not exist.