Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The Awakening

Today while I was sitting on the toilet, eating the last cupcake, and hiding from my children (in fear that they would find out that I was eating the last cupcake), I had a great awakening. THERE ARE SO MANY UNATTRACTIVE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

Now, I know what you the reader have by now realized that I am very self-consumed. But know how the government is creating a new governmental position for a car czar? I want to be a czar for the ugly.

What I find interesting is that most people are not ugly by nature. They just make really bad choices when it comes to combing their hair (or not), they wake up in the morning and make a cognisant decision to have low self-esteem (by the way they dress themselves). I would like to make my first declaration to the ugly as their czar. WAKE UP, GET A COMB, and USE IT!!!!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


To being with....the back story.........

I am a true believer that the car that you drive can have a direct impact on how you feel about yourself.  Call it shallow....who cares?  If I am driving a vehicle that makes me feel powerful, sexy, cool, admired by all whom I pass....I will fell good about myself.

I have been known to test drive a vehicle prior to buying it and driving past the downtown business.  They provide me the opportunity (thanks to their giant windows) to view how attractive I look in the vehicle I am driving prior to purchasing it.  The simple formula here is that if I look HOT....then I buy the car.  If I do not, that is a signal not to buy the car.

I have also been known to test drive vehicles and while test driving them, making the passenger get out so that I can back the car up, pass the passenger on the road, just so I can ask them how good I look in the vehicle.

10 years ago, I purchased a vehicle called...gulp....a Dodge Grand Caravan.  My wife typically drives this car because the moment that I step into the Caravan, I immediately get low self esteem.  My car on the other hand is a Dodge Durango.  I love this car.  It makes me feel powerful, sexy, and in charge!!!!   

Due to the recent economic downturn (i.e. gas is so expensive), I have begun to drive the Dodge Grand Caravan (which shall be known here on out in this blog as the ghetto mini van).  Today when I got to work, I realized how bad the day would be.  Not because I had a busy day planned, but rather because I had just stepped out of the esteem sucking ghetto mini van.  

When I got into my office, my co-workers noticed that I was not my normal chipper self.  One co-worker asked "what is wrong."  I exclaimed (okay...ranted)  "I DON'T WANT TO BE UGLY....I DON'T WANT TO BE UNATTRACTIVE."  The co-worker asked..."what brought this on?"  I then again ranted "I DRIVE A MINIVAN!"  They obviously did not understand because they drive a Toyota 4-Runner.

I did decided today that I needed to trade in my ghetto minivan on a Hummer.  I found own at a steal (mmmm....maybe this is because of the gas prices lately).  Oh who cares....gas is now cheap, global warming is a myth, and I would look powerful, sexy, and have a HUGE self-esteem boost.  I MUST BUY NOW!!!!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Diet...A Key to My Awsomeness

I am often asked how do I stay so awsome!!! They key is in the diet. So in today's blog, I am giving up my well guarded secret.

Daily, I have: 1 Breakfast Monster, 1 Lunch Monster, and Dinner. That's it folks. I stay awsome and young and very attractive/desirable because I drink 2 Monster's a day. Yes...this is the same Monster drink you can buy at your local grocery store of convenience store. For me, I buy a case of it every two weeks from Costco. The best part of drinking Monster is that for me, it acts like a diuretic. I can eat whatever I want, and I can crap it out and still keep my hotness.

Oh....I also go to the gym daily!