Monday, April 27, 2009

Another Tale From The Gym.....

Okay...let me set the scene for you... I was again in the sauna at the gym, there were two other guys in there with me. One of the guys was 6 foot 10 inches tall (at least)...(stay with me...that is an important point). As we all were sitting there, this old man came in with a mat.

Initially, I was confused. We were sitting in the dry sauna and the mats are used in the wet sauna. As the old man brought himself and his mat in, he placed it on the floor. I was thinking okay...the old guy wants to stand. That was until he began to do his yoga. Now...don't get me wrong. I frequently am seen stretching in the sauna. After all, this is probably the best place to do so. That being said, there is a common courtesy rule that you stop this when the sauna is full. our case, the old man should not have done his yoga unless there was more room and less people.

Now, the old man placed himself in front of the 6 foot 10 inches tall man. The poor by standard (the 6 ft. + man) was sitting there minding his own business when the old man decided to bend over place his butt face of the 6 ft + man and remain in that position for a good 10 minutes. The 6 ft+ man did not even flinch! I was amazed. I even began to laugh out loud. The old man did not like this apparently...he stared at me through his old man legs. After about 10 minutes of this, the old man stood up. Yes, finally, the awareness would be over. That lasted for about 30 seconds until the old man began to do his hip isolation's! What the CA%()#TU)(GEW^%@? This is not Jazzercise! So I could not take it anymore....I left the sauna for a few minutes.

After cooling off, I decided to go back into the sauna. I opened the door and proceeded to step into the sauna when on the floor directly inside the sauna was the old man laying spread eagle on the floor! AHHHHH............. The morale of the story is...don't do creepy things in public. And, if you are old, you no longer are attractive! You no longer have the right to do crazy creepy things around those of us who are younger and yes...much hotter than you.

The Kings Prayer (that's me if you did not know).... Lord, grant me the ability to tolerate stupid old men who want to do yoga at the gym. Though they are old and have lived longer than I. Please let me tolerate having to look at them in their short shorts spread eagle upon the sauna floor.

Tales from the Gym....Yes...Another Story...

So...I have to begin by apologizing. It has been quite a while since I have had anything to blog about. I hope you won't be let down by my new stories.

Last Friday, I was at the gym, and I saw something that I thought was odd. There was a women there in a full on burka. Now...I was thinking when I initially what the crack, because we in Nevada don't typically see people wearing burka's (after all, this is not the middle east). I also was also think that this women must be new to the gym, probably trying things out for the first time (I see this a lot with men...working out in jeans and hiking boots). I did not think much of it until I saw her and her husband back again on Saturday night working out.

What was odd on Saturday is that the women was in the same burka that she wore on Friday night. This lead me to believe that this must be her workout burka. It was nice...not your typical black or gray, but it was leopard print. It kinda reminded me of the 80's when women would wear the leaped leotards with the thong going up their butt. Hmmmm...maybe some have digressed a bit!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I Can't Help It...I Am Better Than Most People!!!!

Today while giving myself my daily affirmation, I realized something...I am better than most people. Its true and it may be hard for each of you to realize while your reading this. There is just something about me that is so great.

Could it be my sexiness, humor, incredible ability to find faults in others? While all of those are tremendous traits in of themselves...combined, I could conquer so much!

Think about it...if everyone in the world read my blog (oh...and gave $1 to our foundation 10,000 strong), not only would people begin to realize how sucky they are, but they would then know what they need to do to improve themselves. Thus...the world we become better because there would be no more stupid people!

Ah...we all can just wish and look forward to that day!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The Jaywalker, Bike Rider, and the Homeless Person....

Okay...let me begin today's rant by saying that in general, I am a happy go lucky type of person. I try to find the best (but mostly worst) in people. I have to say that today...I hate the Jaywalker, Bike Ridder, and the Homeless Person....

To begin with, all three of these individuals I either saw or came into contact with on my way to work today. All have unique situations, but are sooo frustrating to me.

The Jaywalker...

With our economic downturn, I get that people are taking to the oldest form of transportation....their own @)%#&!)%*() legs. Yes, it is exciting to see grown humans using those legs (and feet) that they were born with. While that is exciting, it drives me nuts when those whom are attached to the legs (as yes...the feet) do stupid things.

Have you ever seen a Jaywalker who was breaking the law and you had to resit the urge to speed up? That was me today. I came accross not one, not two, but three speareat Jaywalkers. What makes me so angry is that one feels that they can dis-obey the law and illegally cross the road. But...if I were to hit them by accedient, I could be the one who is cited. Sure, you may feel that if you walk accross the street with enough attitude the world will stop so that you can cross the road. That may all well be good...unless we don't see you!

The Biker Ridder....

This is not an individual whom rides a Harley, but rather a Schwin. Today, I had a person on a bike cut me off and weave in between my car as I was drivin. How insane are these people? I am sure that they don't recognize that I CAN'T SEE YOU IN MY GAS GUSSLING GIANT SUV!!!! Yes...I am proud of my SUV, and I don't care how much gas costs (which I am sure is the motivator for the increase in the bikers on the road). I am going to ruin the envoirorment, expell my carbon, and help increase the giant ficticious hole that is in the ozone.

The Homeless Person....

Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for the homeless. That being said...why do they have to rifle through my garbage (I am not kidding)! As I was pulling out of my drive way, I noticed something that is uncommon for my neighborhood. I homeless person (or one who appeared to be homeless due to their lack of fasion scense) was going through the garbage that was on the curb of all of my neighbors. Has the economly gotten so bad that the homeless now have to come into my neigborhood and pull out all of the alumium cans? This SUCKS!

I did not pay a ton of money for my house (before the crash of the market....) to have homeless people rifling through my garbage. What has the world come to. I thus declare that we all should make a donation today of 1 alumum can to any homeless person on your way home from work tomorrow.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Please Keep Your Shoes On!

Today, I was surrounded by perhaps one of the most disgusting things I have ever experienced. Yes...experienced! I was once again sitting in the sauna at the gym, and I was surrounded by nasty, disgusting, ugly, uncut, jacked up toes. As I was sitting there, everyone that was around me was in a serious need to cut their toe nails.

Okay...I get it (i.e. not cutting your toe nails) if you are pregnant, morbily obese, or don't have the mental capacity to understand general hygiene and grooming. But for all other individuals, why would you not cut your toes, or kill the fungi, or just have good grooming? If one makes the choice to be nasty...that's fine, but why make us all suffer by having to see the nasty?

I am going to make a declaration today...If you have nasty feet, and you do not want to take care of them...then keep your !#@(*&%@^)_*#@%@#&()U shoes on your feet!

Friday, March 27, 2009

I've Been Saved!!!

Today, when I got into the office, I told my staff that I had been saved. They looked at me like what the Crack! They asked..."what have you been saved from?" I told them that I wasn't sure.

On my way into work, I stumbled across one of those insane Christian raido stations with the preachers on them. They were doing a therapy session on being saved. So...I have decided that this is my Montra for the week....

I've Been Saved!!!

A trip to the Post Office

Okay....Let me begin by saying that in no way to I want to make fun of losers. Okay...I lied. On with the rant!

Today, I went to the Post Office. I was standing in this long line and I was looking at the women in front of me. While looking at her, I was very confused about something. I could not put my finger on what was confusing about her. I then realized that it was her purse.

Okay...this women had on her shoulder a Louis Vuitton purse. This would not be such an odd thing if it wasn't for her acid washed jeans. Seriously...if you are wearing acid washed jeans from the 1980's, no one will believe that your Louis is REAL!!!

To top that off, she had with her two children who looked completely homeless. They had out of control curly hair that appeared not to have been combed in months! Then I continued to check out her special outfit and I noticed her shoes! She was wearing those white high top tennis shoes that have the double bubble at the top. HELLO!!!!!

The morale of this story is that if you want people to think your wealthy, hot, or awesome...don't wear acid washed jeans, high tops, have homeless looking children, and have a fake Louis Vuitton!!!

My Montra

"Strobe Lights Makes Everything Sexier." So...make sure you do everything in strobe lights so that you can be even more sexy!


I wanted to share with each of you my success story. With much starvation and my Monster diet, I am 1/2 a rib away from my goal. For those new to my goal is to be able to see 3 1/2 ribs. Ya the Olsen twins. I love their diet.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Relationship Advice...Painting The House!!! thing that I have learned over my nearly 11 years of marriage is to communicate your expectations. Such as...if you have plans on Saturday to sleep in, you should communicate that to your spouse. That way, if they have other plans, your plan and theirs do not come into comflict with each other. I have never found this advice to be more apparent to do than recently.

Last June, my wife and I finnally took the plunge and bought a house (of course, we are now thinking "why did we not wait..." anyway...). I have been itching to do some home improvements such as painting. When we bought our house, we thought that the painting looked great, and were the colors that we liked. However, after being in it nearly a year, and discovering that the paint is not condusive to was time to being to paint our dining/living room.

Two weeks ago, I came home with litterally every same of color of paint from Home Depot and Lowe's. This litterally was about 300 color samples. I told my wife...Here you go...pick one. Of course, we started looking at earth tones (which was the existing color of the room). Then my wife went to blues, greys, greens...literlly every color of the rainbow and every hune. So, we narrowed it down to two dozen and my wife refused to pick a color. So on Saturday, I lost it...I decided that one way to motivate my wife to pick a color was to being masking the room and preparing the walls (this perhaps is where communicating my expectation would have come in good). She did not take me serious until I came home from Wal-Mart with the putty, knife, and painters tape.

Next, my wife decided that she would like to go and get her nails done. While she was gone, I thought....this was my opportunity. I began masking and covering up all the holes in the wall. By the time she got home, there were several white spots one the wall, and blue take everywhere. This was a motivator because within a half hour, my wife had picked a color. So off to Lowe's I go with my paint color in hand.

Let me stop here for a moment to tell you the color she choose. Salamander Green! the picture it looked good, but would it look good on our walls?

Because I was painting in such a central part of our house, I did nto want to paint until my kids had gone to bed. So when they were tucked into their beds, I started by paiting around the trim of the room. After this was done, it was 10:00 p.m. I whent next to get my paint roller, and I discovered that there was a used paint roller on the roller and I could not get it off. off into the night I went to find a new roller. Yes, it was past 10:00 at this point, but I could not let it go. I ended up at Wal-Mart, but by 10:30, I was home and ready to paint. 11:30, I did have one wall done, but the challenge is that this room is only served by natural light (and a chandeler in the dinging room). Thus, I could not tell if I had done a good job of painting.

Oh...another stopping point. I found it odd that my wife decided to get her nails done one the day that I started to paint. This is the morale of the story...Had I communicated my intent and my desire for her help (which I did not really want), she may not have gotten her nails done. But since she did, there was no way she was going to help me. She did sit on the couch and tell me where I missed a spot...Nuggest of Joy!!!!

This morning, I was awaken by my four year old going WOW....and running up and down the hall way. He had gone in and awaken all of his siblings to show them what he had found on the wall. Also...on the other walls, I kinda did grafitti to get the paint out of the paint brushes, so he thought that was cool. To my surprise...the salamander green does look good!

Friday, March 13, 2009

In Memorium...WHAT THE CRACK!#@%@$#?

Today, I was driving behind a 1980 Chevolet Caprice. I found it interesting that this giant piece of Crap still was functioning, and that it had one of those stickers in the window that said In Memorium of....some person. WHAT THE CRACK????

I see these type of stickers all over the place. Why would you want to say that your car is in memory of someone who died? Did that dead person buy you that car? Maybe in a rare instance, but with the giant piece of Crap that I was following today, I don't think that they should have put that sticker on their car. They are doing no good for the dead person they are memorizing. Think about it...would you want someone who drives a crapy car memorializing you on it?

So...I am putting out a plea to the masses...stop doing this! It is stupid, no one cares, and you look like a tool!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Gift........ while I was driving to work, I was doing my typically thing. I like to look at others while they drive. It is funny to see how many people pick their noise, text while driving, put on makeup, and...I even saw a women curl her hair. While all of this puts me in a good mood, I was uncharacteristically unhappy today.

My unhappiness came from having to look at all of the ugly people that I was passing while driving. I kid you not...I passed 8 men who had mountain men goatees. Do you know what I am talking about? These are the type of goatees that are never shaven. They are bushy and I am certain that flies live inside of them. What the Crack!!! Why would anyone want one of those. As I passed each person, I thought to myself..."Why do you have a mountain man goatee. You do not live in the mountains, but the city. Shave that thing off!"

As I continued to work, I noticed another person who had weird facial hair. They had the kind of facial hair where is is grown in patches. The odd thing was that I could not tell what gender this person was. Here's a hint...if people can not tell what gender you should not have facial hair.

This leads me to the title of this rant...The Gift. I have decided to go by a new name. No longer shall I be called I Am King, but rather The Gift. I realized today while driving to work that I am a Gift.

Everyday, I awake and make a good attempt to put myself together. Sometimes I miss the mark and I don't look as good as I should (this is a rare occasion), but I always make an attempt. With all of the ugly people in the world, I have decided that I am a Gift to the world. A Gift of beauty, awesomeness, one whom others are jealous of (one of my main goals in life), and yes...very self aware.

This brings me to one of the goals of the foundation 10,000 Strong. Please help us by combs for the ugly by donating $1 today. This can be done through Pay pal to

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Drunken Fireman, Prosititues, and the Annual 4th of July Parade

My wife and I were going through our pictures on our digital camera today. We saw pictures from last summer and were reminiscing about a past family trip. Then we came across pictures from the town's 4th of July parade. There were the cheerleaders cheering their way down the street. The 4h ridding their horses, lots and lots of old cars and fire engines. Then something that surprised me a bit.

In the town that I grew up, the fireman always walked the parade while they drank beer. Now I am not sure what kind of message this has (other than the fireman are fat and drunk). Last year though...the fireman followed the local D.A.R.E truck. Yes, the one govermenental progam that teaches kids to not drink, smoke, and do drugs. I thought that it was kinda ironic that the ones who in this community should represent not being drunken slobs were walking the parade route following the one thing that they should be supporting.

Later on in the parade, I was surprised by one more thing (not that I should be surprised). Now I have to disclose...In this community, it provides anyone with the opportunity to advertise. This parade did not discriminate.

All of the sudden, out of nowhere, there was the float with the city Prostitutes handing out candy to the children. What the CRACK?!@$!@$? Does no one in this community think that there is something wrong with this?

As I have blogged before...these Prostitues are not the type of women you see shakin' their rumps in a Jay Z video. They are ugly, nasty, disgusting women who look like they have worked really, really, really hard in their lives.

Needless to say...some communities are just so jacked up! To think that it is socially acceptable to have the drunken fire fighters promoting drinking, and the Prosititues ridding a float with a big sign on the side of tells me how dumb some people are!

Making Out wife and I were making out today and I had this realization. After being married for 11 years, I can not remember the time when we last made out. definition of making out is kissing, but not leading to sexytime. Kissing that leads to sexytime is forplay. we were making out, I stopped and asked my wife when the last time we made out was? We both responded by saying that it was when we were engaged. In the back of my dads truck by a lake. I think we both realized that now that we are married if we madeout, then we should go all the way.

The morale of the story is making out should happen much more. Its fun...even if it does not go all the way!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Forgive Me...Ads Now On Today's Daily Rant

Okay...I oculd not resist the opportunity to make some money. That being said, I have added Ads to the site. Get this....everytime you click on the add, I get paid. So....please take a moment to click on an add when you get done reading. Thanks!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

This Economy SUCKS!!!

What is up with the people of the world today. Not only were there so many selfish idiots who due to their selfishness have ruined our economy, but now no one will donate to our foundation.

I get that there are those who are unemployed. I get that there are many out there who were morons and bought homes that they could not afford (oh...Mr. Banker man, I think it is a good idea to buy a home with 0 down and that is a variable rate...just as long as I get my trophy house and I can look good to my friends). But what about me and my plastic surgeon.

I am personally offended that there are so many stupid people in the world. I am offended that because of them, my potential donors no longer have the funds to donate to the foundation. Because of this...I am afraid that I may not be able to get my plastic surgery.

If you are able...please donate today! Let's not see another person lose their plastic surgeon needs my business. DON'T DELAY!


Okay...on Sunday, I finally caved and joined Facebook. I have never really been a fan of social networking sites. However...with the many people that I am connecting with from my past, I found this to be a great opportunity to promote the foundation.

For those who are new to this blog, there are two purposes for my writting. The first one is to raise money for my foundation 10,000. The entire premise behind this is to raise $10,000 to go towards two causes that the foundation has identified as needs in our world.

The first, healing the world. Of what you might say...UGLYINESS. 99.99% of ugliness can be healed through a good combing of the hair. So please help us buy combs for the ugly. .05% of all proceeds will go towards buying combs for the ugly (and the administration cost associated). The remaining funds will go towards our second cause. My unnecesary required plastic surgery. I need calf implants in the worst kind of a way.

Please donate today! I am affraid that if we do not raise the money, the ugly will have to continue looking ugly (and having low self esteem), and I might have to do those annoying and painful exercises to increase my calf hotness.

Remember our slogan...Its All For The Children!

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Recent Trip Back Home

Recently...I had the great opportunity to travel back to my home town and help a good friend of mine. While I was only there four about 24 hours, I noticed many things that made me pause and say WHAT THE FREAKEDY FREAK ARE THESE PEOPLE THINKING. This is the same town that I have written before in this blog. That being said...let's begin.

#1 Crazy Observation: I could not resit to drive around downtown and take a look at the red light district. To my surprise, there was a new brothel opened. It looked just a step up from the trail park brothel that is across the street from this one. What I found funny is that there was a giant banner out in front. It ready "Laddies Welcome." WHAT THE CRACK??? I guess in a contracting economy, the Whores need to diversify themselves and offer services to both genders. Could you image that staff meeting when the madam came out to tell the Whores that they would now be servicing women. LOVE IT!!!

There was one other thing that caught my eye. On the front door, there was the typical sign that had the hours of operation. But, this sign was different from those that you typically see. It also stated if before 11:00 a.m., please call 999-999-9999 (number changed for the protection of the community of shame and of course the Whores). This astonished me. So...if I can't wait to get my fix, I can all this number and they will rush a Whore out? Why don't they just have a 1-800 number like 1-800-Whore. Oh...there's not enough letters.

#2 Crazy Observation: This community has the nicest homeless shelter I have ever seen (or at least what should become one). There was a local moron who decided to build a hotel. What is interesting about this hotel (which looks very nice) is that the front door butts up to the side (metal side I may add) of the local grocery store. Not only does this seem insane, but it was built in the parking lot of the grocery store. It looks ridiculous. That being said, the moron builder ran out of money (because in this community there are many who do not know how to forecast costs of a project, and stay within a budget). So now, the building is fenced off a with those types of fences that are held down with cinder blocks (at least until the wind blows). I think that this would make for a very nice homeless shelter. It would have easy access, and could give each homeless person their own room. would be the nicest Whore house in the community. Hmmmm.....

#3 Crazy Observation: Whenever you put up a sign...make sure it is spelled correctly. I saw a sign that was posted with our new President's name on it. Mind you...they spelled it Obomo. Hmmmmm.....That says it all. Now I am not the greatest speller. But, come on...its our President! was a great trip and I loved going back. Not only to visit my good friends, but also finding these Nuggets of Joy to share with each of you. The only downside was that no one welcomed me with the praise that I deserve and my own challis.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The Crazy Lesbians...

What is up with the Crazy Lesbians....Sure, they have many talents. They like to chop down trees and build houses with the wood, they are gifted at auto repair, but seriously...what is up with them? Lets begin...

So today at the house of vanity, I saw what I have never seen before. A group of lesbians in a hot tub. They were so whacked out. All tattooed and talking all kinds of crazy. Full disclosure...I am not a fan of public display of affection. This group of Crazy Lesbians were not only displaying publically their affection, but they were so obsene that I had to leave.

What is also up with their fashion sense. Has the L Word done nothing to teach the Crazy Lesbians how to not be ugly?

I am making a declaration to all....let's not have full on orgies in a hot tub at a public place (Crazy Lesbians), and let's all try not to be ugly!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Happy Valentines Day!!!

I hope that each of you had a happy Valentines Day. I enjoyed mine...I spent time with my family and of course had sexy time with my wife (that is always a Joy)!!! That being said...I was a bit disappointed......

For several days, I had been thinking about what I should get my wife for V-Day. I know that there are the typical things such as flowers (which are ridiculous because the price for them is so inflated that they are not worth the day that they will live and then die. Perhaps I should by her flowers now that V-Day is over? I wonder if there are after V-Day sales on Flowers?), jewelry (which my wife would kill me for because she does not wear jewelry), or a secret rendezvous without the children (this would not work because we have soooo many kids that there is always one around).

So, to help me think about what I should get my wife, I started to hear for those "signals" that women like to drop. For several days, my wife had been complaining because she lost her can opener and she had to use this tiny 1" long can opener that did not really work. So I thought AH HA...that is what I will get her...a can opener. She would be so surprised and pleased because I took the hint!

On Thursday, I came home and my wife and I were talking about our days. She had mentioned that she went to the dollar store. This is always a joyful topic for me because I feel that the dollar store is only full of CRAP!!!! Then she dropped the bomb. She was so thrilled because she found at the dollar store a can opener. Without thinking, she bought it! Dang I have no gift for my wife on V-Day. I guess sexytime with me will have to do!

So the morale of the story is don't have to buy gifts for your wife on V-Day (such as a can opener). Just spend a little sexytime with her!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Known Truths....

There are several known truths that each of us accept. An example would be that the earth is not flat, but rather round. I recently discovered a new truth that I had not recognized before. I think that after reading this, you all will agree with me.

After I discovered this truth, everything in my life now makes sense.

This truth was discovered at the house of vanity (for you new readers, that is the gym). I was working out in front of a mirror, and an ugly person came up behind me and wanted to watch themselves in the mirror. Of course...because I was far more attractive than the other person, they had to be submissive to my hotness and move.

I have also tested this therory in the sauna. Yes...this is my favorite place to test my theories. I have found that if an unattractive person comes and sits next to me in the sauna, all I have to do to get rid of them is begin stretching, and they become intimidated by my hottness, that they again...are subjected to be submissive and LEAVE!!!!

There are so many tools also avaliable to those who are attractive. First, we have better friends than the ugly. This is obvious because we only associate with other attractive people. We don't have to suffer by looking at the ugly. Second, we get better jobs than the ugly. This of course is held in the eyes of the job holder. I am sure that crack heads and whores enjoy their jobs far more than those of us who are attractive and are not crack heds nor whores. Third, peopele evny us. Isn't that the ultamte goal? Enough Said!

If you have any personal experiences on how you are supierior because your attractive...leave us a note and share with the rest of us!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Paula Abdul is a FREAK.........

Okay...full disclosure...I love American Idol! I love that it is that time of year again when we go through the exciting process of listening to the crazy (i.e. Paula) and her wickedly funny vacant looks, and stupid commentary (this would be one of my Nuggets of Joy).

So...with American Idol having been on TV for two weeks now, we have not heard very much crazy come out of the mouth of Paula. Perhaps this is because their is a new judge. Perhaps it is that the producers told her not to open her mouth. Who knows??? So I have been a bit disappointed thus far. Last night disappointment went out the window. Time for Crazy!!!

For those of you who missed it...a recap.

A very talented young women got up to sing. She did a great job, and at the end...the judges all gave her high marks. After the judges commentary/praise, the young women began to cry. Then came the Nugget of Joy....Paula then opens her mouth and said "Don't Cry...You are worthy." WHAT THE CRACK??? Worthy of what? Now, many of you might think that she was saying "worthy to move on because your very talented." But...that is not what she said. It was very weird...Paula was talking like she was a deity (i.e. Oprah) and was speaking as if this young women was worthy to be in her presence. What a Freak.....

I just wished that someone would say to Paula "your not worthy...get off the stage!"

Saturday, January 17, 2009

I Got A Big Ego.....

"Hey how you doing? You know I'm gonna cut right to the chase. Some men were made. But me, myself I like to think I was created for a special purpose. You know, what's more special than me?"

My Trip to the Social Security Administration of the United States of America....Part 3

So, now were are off to the local DMV. In my town, you can go to the real DMV (which is just as bad as the Social Security Administration of the United States of America), or an express DMV. So I choose to drive 10 extra miles and go to the express DMV.

When I arrived, I entered to see 1 customer and 5 employees sitting behind a desk. I was immeidately directed to pull a number and wait. So, I sat on a long bench like couch and about 20 seconds later, my number was called. I was astonished that this process even needed to occur considering the other customer was being assisted. So, I went to where I was called to and sat down. I explained what I needed and I was directed to go and fill out the blue form on the wall. I asked if I could fill it out at her cubical and she said no. Oaky, I would understand this if there were ANYONE ELSE IN THE OFFICE!

So, I filled out my blue form and waited a few more minutes and then was called on. Then I sat and she asked what identification I would be providing. I told her I had my birth cerfiticate (which she said "that's a good start), and then I pulled out my temorpoary Social Security card that I got from the Social Security Administration of the United States of America office. Her and her co-worker looked at each other with a funny look. I asked if they had ever been which they both replied yes. I asked them if they had noticed all of the ugly people. They laughed. I did give props though to all of the ugly...they did put on their best sweats for the trip to the Social Security Administration of the United States of America.

I then asked the DMV workers if they knew if there was a waiting room at the Social Security Administration of the United States of America office for those of us that were not ugly. They were puzzled by this question and said "no." I told them that I felt like asking because I did not want to sit with all of the ugly!

You may think that this is a crazy request, but I did one time go to a local clinic and after being coughed on by all of the crazy people looking for free health care (as if this is Canada), I asked the nurse where was the waiting room for those of us who could pay.

I told this to the DMV women and they could not believe I was saying this. I did really ask this question, and to my surprise...THERE WAS! I was directed to a back office waiting room were there were a couple other people WHO COULD PAY!!!!

The morale of these stories is...if you lose your Social Security card from the Social Security Administration of the United States of America, you will be punished by having to wait, deal with looking at the ugly, and being punished by having to talk to a Federal employee who has no personality!

My Trip to the Social Security Administration of the United States of America...Part 2

If you have ever been to the Social Security Administration of the United States of America office, you will notice that everyone there is UGLY!!!! I kid you not...if you want proof go. I felt bad for all of the Social Security Administration of the United States of America workers. Just think....they spend their day looking out from their plexi glass windows at a sea of ugliness (not that they had any beauty to write home about). Perhaps it is the bad florecent lighting.

They also had a security guard that made me laugh. His job was to sit behind a desk, and periodically stand infront of the room with his hands on his hips and stare at us. Just think how pissed he must have been to awake one morning and realize that he is the security guard at the Social Security Administration of the United States of America. How he must make a difference in the lives of others....Anyway....

As the we approached my number (they called A100....) I started to get the hibbie geebiees. My legs started shaking because I was sooo excited that my number was approaching. When my number got called, I went up to the window, and the Social Security Administration of the United States of America employee said can I see your identlification. I explained that I did not have a drivers license, but I had my medical records. The man explianed that the Social Security Administration of the United States of America would not accept this (even though I told him that I called and this is what I was instructed to do). He asked if I had a health card and I said yes...he told me that they would accept that. I was surprised that a simple health card would be acceptable (that acutally concerns me beacuse anyone could walk in with a health card). He then asked if I needed a temopary Social Security Card and I said sure....and asked if the DMV would accept that (that way...I could also get a drivers license). He then went on to say that this is the Social Security Administration of the United States of America and any form from them is a legal document of the Federal Government of the United States of America. And with that, the DMV would have to accept it. I thought "SCORE" I could accomplish two things in one day.

On to the DMV.....

My Trip to the Social Security Office and DMV Part 1

Okay...get comfortable because this is a long story. But, you get two stories for the price of one!

Very Important Background Information..........

several weeks ago, I noticed that I had lost my drivers license. I think I went to Costco and put my drivers license, Costco card, and bankcard in the pocket of my pants. Unfortunately, I had all of the items after my clothes went through the wash with the exception of my drivers license. So, I began the long painful process to have my drivers license replaced. What I found throughout this experience is that it is not always as easy as you might think. replace a drivers license, you need to have a birth certificate and a social security card. No problem I thought until I could not locate either of the needed documents. So I looked up what it took to replace my birth certificate and also my Social Security card. The birth certificate was a piece of cake (I ordered it directly from the State that I was born in's website). The Social Security card was a bit more difficult. The requirements from the Social Security Admin is that you need to provide proof of identify (i.e. a drivers license). So...if I needed a drivers license to get a new Social Security card and I need a Social Security card to get a drivers license, what is one to do?

I then contacted the Social Security Administration of the United States of America (I will be using the full name from here on out because that is how it was used by the SSA employee when I actually got my card....) and they said that I could not use a birth certificate because those could be easily forged. They would however accept medical records. I told the representiitve from the Social Security Administration of the United States of America that the policy was crazy because one could much easly forge the medical records verses a legal state document. That being said, I moved on to getting a copy of my medical records. This proved to be just as difficult.

Within the past three years, I had only been to the doctor once. That was a very painful visit to our local E.R. So, I contacted the hospital and they told me that it would take 10 business days to get my records. So after 10 days, when I had not recieved them, the hospital said that they forgot to send them out. Needless to say, last Thursday, I had all my ducks in a row (and in a special white envelope)...I was off to the Social Security Administration of the United States of America office.

On With The Story...........

At our local Social Security Administration of the United States of America office, there are only say 30 parking places (but the staff has 150 behind a gated wall...go figure). When I first arrived and circled around the tiny parking lot and discovered there were no parking places, I decided to see what was down the street. First of all, the building is surrounded by apartment buildings all of which have signs posting that their parking lots and infront of their buildings are for their tenents only. Next to the apartments is a dirt field. I was not about to park in the unattended dirt field that is in the ghetto. So I turned back to find a space where there was a car parked (who's owner appered to be ready to leave). The person owning the car got in, baked a three teired wedding cake, got a pedicure, and talked on their phone...then they pulled out.

What made me upset about this was while I was waiting for the three teir wedding cake to be frosted, three mini van's with at least 20 people piled out, and illegally parked infront of the office (keeping one person in them so that if they are caught, the vehicle could easily be moved). That normally would not bother me except when I got into the Social Security Administration of the United States of America office, you have to check in at a kiosk and you are assigned a number.

When I first entered I was astonished because while there were probably only 30 cars in the parking lot, there were at least 150 people in the waiting area. I thought these people pour water on their heads and they multiply? Anyway....I was excited because they were on number A82 and I was A118. I figured that with only three of the twenty windows open (go figure...its the Federal goverment) I would only have to wait three hours. I was surpised to find out that the key was the letter in front of my number. There was not only A's, but B's, C's, D's and M's (not sure what the M's were for...). Anyway...they would toggle between the numbers (ex: A1, B1, C,1, D1, M1, the...A2, B2, ect). I thne realized that I would be there forever.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Tales for the gym.....

I know each of you love my gym stories, so here is another one....

I get my best stories from sitting in the sauna and having people think that I have my iPod on when I am actually easedropping on the moronic stuff that they are talking about. There have been so many times when I have wanted to say Bull Crap to what was being discussed. I have never felt this way more than today.

I was in the sauna, and it was packed. People were waiting outside to even get in. Typically this is great because for those of us inside, there are those men who just have to bond with the other men in the sauna.

Today, the first discussion was about ultamate fighting. Apperently, there was one guy who did ultamate fighting, one who was intraining, and an old man who wished that he could be one. I sat there listening to the ridicuolus discussion on how boxing is so weak and today, everyone who does it just dances around the ring. Apparently, becuase in ultamate fighting (I learned this today), the only rules are: 1. You can't bite (thanks a lot Tyson), 2. You can't hit a guy below the belt, and 3. Ummmm...that's about it. Apparently, because you can beat another human until they are laying on the ground and are unable to do anything but moan is so much better than boxing. After this discussion, I got the Nugget of Joy that I had been waiting for.

So...I live in a community that has a semi-large college. It also has a loser of a football team that apperently everyone in this community thinks is GREAT!!! At my gym, we typically see a lot of the college students working out.
***This brings me to a tangent. Why are college students leaving campus to come to my gym? When I was in school, we had our own on campus. ***Anyway...the college kids tend to be very stupid because all they can think about is working out, getting drunk, and what lame thing they did last night.

Today, was no exception. There were two college guys who were in the sauna with me who were talking like they were on someting. The conversation began with them disucssing how cool the sauna was at helping with a hang over (what losers). Next, they began talking about going to Disneyland over spring break so that they could do acid. What!!!! That is sooo stupid!!!!

Then they continued to discuss doing weed. Apparently, one boy has headache's and he asked his doctor for weed. What a loser.

Next, they began talking about how during the Vietnum war, the Vietnumees would take tooth picks and put feceies on the ends and stick them in the ground. That way, when someone stepped on them, they would get an infection.

Now, I was not the only one in the sauna at this time. It was these to morons, and two of the ultamate fighters. As I was sitting listening to their moronic stories, one of the ultamate fighters spoke up and said BULL S!@#$. I started to laugh out loud. Which is an uncommon bodliy reaction for me when I am easedropping.

The ultamate fighter called these two losers out for the losers that they are. Immediately, the losers left, and I thanked my hero's for the day...the ultamate fighters.

Costco Members Can Be Such Tools!!!

One of my wife's favorite things to do is to send me to Costco just before they close. It is never midday, or in the is always at night. Oh...and it is typically just for a few items (unless my I have my cell phone which then the few items turns into a shopping cart full of stuff). So today, I was given such a task for a few items and of course right before they were to close.

So, I jumped into my SUV (yes, I dive a gas guzzling SUV, it brings me joy and happiness knowing that I am powerful behind the wheel. And as for all of you who think I am ruining the environment..."global warming isn't is just part of the end of day (thanks Tina Fey as Plain for that quote) and headed off across time hoping to get to Costco before they closed.

As I enter and show my card, I am obviously in a hurry so that I can get what is required and get out before they close. Immediately as I enter, there is a group (or a family...depends on how you categorize them) of three. Now, this might not be so outrageous, because they are not freaks like my wife and our four children, but they decided from the moment that they walked into the building that they must hold hands and place themselves in the center of the main walkway. I could not believe that they were so stupid not to notice those who are around them.

Everywhere I went, I experienced similar stupid people who are so caught up in their own world that they are totally unaware of those whom are around them. I can not even count how many times I had to wait for one of these stupid people to move their cart.

Now I know that all of the stupid Costco members are not totally at fault. After all, they obviously have no control over themselves nor their cart. Let's blame Costco for building HUGE carts for their HUGE mechanise that we get to use to truck around all of our SUPER SIZED CRAP!!!!

Better yet...let's just call it like we see it. Those who are so totally unaware of themselves and are RUDE because they are inept of being aware of those around them are TOOLS!!!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

New Year's Resolutions.......

With the New Year now upon us, like most other people in this world have their New Year's Resolutions. I was thinking about it today (of the gym) and I came up with what I thought was a good list. Now, the criteria for the list are items that would improve my life and if possible the lives of others (this last part is NOT a requirement...after all, reading this blog automatically improves the lives of it's readers). is my list.

#1. Become even more sexy!
I know that this may be hard for some of you to understand, but my sexiness is a constant work in perfection. When you reach my level of sexiness, you may say how can one increase their sexiness level. For me, it all has to do with ensuring that my physical appearance remains well groomed (including those eyebrows), going to the gym (so that I can have that sexy bod), and wearing sexy provocative clothing.

#2. Develop a greater self-esteem!
This may be hard for some of you to read, but I do from time to time suffer from low self-esteem. I can typically overcome this when I am watching myself at the house of vanity (i.e. the know with all the mirrors that you can watch yourself in) lifting weights and seeing my muscles get BIG.

Another important component to developing a greater self-esteem is sharing it with others. That is the sole purpose for this blog...enough said!

#3. Healing the world...
***If you haven't yet, please donate to our foundation 10,000 strong. Remember 0.05%of all proceeds will go towards the purchase of combs for the ugly.

#4. It's all for the children....
This is our new slogan! When you donate to the foundation, you will be helping the children. Okay...this might be a stretch, but the children will be healed by me getting my unnecessary required plastic surgery.

Well...with all that on my plate, I don't think there will be any time for the typical crap that no one really does. So...that will have to suffice for 09!

Please share with us your resolution's by adding your comments to this post. Perhaps together, we can learn from one another and improve all of our lives.

Don't think that you can enjoy this blog for free. The foundation is suffering....Don't hesitate...donate today!