I don't get Dude language...Another Story From The Gym!

So...

A couple of day's ago, I was at the gym, Yes, sitting in the sauna (where all people become crazy and STUPID). There was a girl and I (both wearing our iPods), and another guy. Background info: The girl was laying on the top bench and I was sitting. The way the benches work is that the top one sits on the bottom one. So...if you are sitting ont he top bench, your feet are on the bottom. Typically, when there is more than two or three, I will pull my feet up to the top bench so there is more room for people to sit.

When the second guy came in, I scooted over so that he could sit on the top bench if he wanted. Of course, the girl laying down was a complete Tool and did not move (for those who are not gym goers, that is bad gym edicate). All of the sudden, another guy entered the sauna...this is where things go crazy).

So that second guy said "what's up my brother." This made me confused because neither guy #1 nor guy #2 looked like each other. Guy #2 responded by saying "What's up?" Then I heard guy #2 start taking crazy (this is when I turned off my iPod). "Man you know what is bad for you?" said guy #2. "Beer!" Then he said "you know what is good for you?....Wine." Guy #2 said "yes...the red kind! Its got all of those antioxidants in it."

Then guy #2 starting taking about when he was in high school and he drank liquid cocaine. What the crack is that????

To continue....guy #1 responded by saying "man, I would never drink anything that is called liquid cocaine. Man that must really mess you up." "Yes man...it does" replied guy #2. Then guy #1 said that he would never drink that because he had a brother he did cocaine in high school. Then he turned to drug dealing and ended up in prison. Apparently that was bad because he has a "shorty" in San Diego that he has not seen in three years.

Okay, let me stop there. What the CRACK is a shorty? Is it a kid, a girlfriend? Please, someone who can interprete stupid dude language fill me in.

Guy #2 said "really, your brother is in prison? Man, I joined the army because I was messed up and I did not really want to go to prison."

Okay....no offense to those who serve our country, but I don't want only those who join so that they can stay out of jail serving our country. That is crazy!!!!

The morale of this story and many on this blog is that if you are going to talk stupid and say stupid things (even if you are speaking in your native language of Dude), be aware of those around you. Even those with iPods in may turn them off to hear your crazy (and yes...blog about them).

Sorry for the lack of posting....

It has been several days since I have had the opportunity to blog. I have been earnestly looking for stories to tell you all, but with the holiday's, stupid people have not been up to their job of being stupid. Until today............

Okay...I have another gym story...this is where I get my best stuff.

So today, I was sitting in the sauna when another guy came in. I had my iPod on which is typically for most people at my gym. Full Disclosure....my iPod has been having some problems. One side of the ear phones stopped working. So as I sat in the sauna, I could hear music out of only one side (that is the important part).

After being in the sauna for a couple of seconds (really like 2), the other guy started talking to himself. I thought this was weird, so of course, I turned down my iPod so I could ease drop. What the guy was saying was a bit odd. HE STARTED SAYING OBSCENITIES!!! He was saying S$%@$%$ and F&*&%%$$&*, and all kinds of CRAZY!!! What was interesting was that he was not saying it in a way like he was in pain or that the sauna was hot. He was saying it in an enjoyable way.

The morale of this story is....if you see someone with earphones on, don't assume that you can talk crazy and no one will notice/blog about it later! What a Tool!

The Ridiculousness of Beyonce....AKA...I Am...Shasha Fierce

Okay....Full Disclosure...I think that Beyonce is incredible. Her new CD is GREAT! Okay...on with the rant.

Her new double disc CD is called I AM...Sasha Fierce. For those who live under a rock and do not keep up with Beyonce, Sasha Fierce is an alter ego (that she uses for her performances). Now, I get that, but how whacked out is it that she has a name for her alter ego?

Not to be out done by her, I have created my own alter ego. I am calling it AH...Fierce. I have also decided write a one man show and I will call it...I am...AH Fierce,/You May Now Worship Me! Like Beyonce, the first half of the show will be called I am...AH Fierce and the second half will be called You May Now Worship Me!

Imagine this. Me (the sexy beast that I am) descending from a platform out of the air doing the Beyonce walk from the music video Crazy In Love....Gosh that is great STUFF!!!

In Honor of crazy Beoynce, I would like to bring your attention to a song that is on her new album. It is my new mantra:

It's too big, It's too wide, It's too strong, It wont fit
It's too much It's too tough I talk like this Cuz I can back it up
I have a big ego, Such a huge ego, You love my big ego
It's too much, I walk like this Cuz I can back it up

Thanks Beyonce!!!!

Support the Foundation

Our foundation 10,000 Strong will be expanding its charitable services (as soon as people donate money). By donating a $1 (done through Pal to todaysrant@gmail.com), you will be donating to our charity (i.e. my plastic surgery). .05% of all donations will go towards a new cause....buying combs for the ugly. We at Today's Daily Rant believe that we could heal the world by helping the ugly. As we all know, 90% of ugliness can be cured with a good comb over.

Don't delay act NOW!!!

The Awakening

Today while I was sitting on the toilet, eating the last cupcake, and hiding from my children (in fear that they would find out that I was eating the last cupcake), I had a great awakening. THERE ARE SO MANY UNATTRACTIVE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

Now, I know what you the reader have by now realized that I am very self-consumed. But really.....you know how the government is creating a new governmental position for a car czar? I want to be a czar for the ugly.

What I find interesting is that most people are not ugly by nature. They just make really bad choices when it comes to combing their hair (or not), they wake up in the morning and make a cognisant decision to have low self-esteem (by the way they dress themselves). I would like to make my first declaration to the ugly as their czar. WAKE UP, GET A COMB, and USE IT!!!!

I DON'T WANT TO BE UNATTRACTIVE!!!!!!

To being with....the back story.........

I am a true believer that the car that you drive can have a direct impact on how you feel about yourself.  Call it shallow....who cares?  If I am driving a vehicle that makes me feel powerful, sexy, cool, admired by all whom I pass....I will fell good about myself.

I have been known to test drive a vehicle prior to buying it and driving past the downtown business.  They provide me the opportunity (thanks to their giant windows) to view how attractive I look in the vehicle I am driving prior to purchasing it.  The simple formula here is that if I look HOT....then I buy the car.  If I do not, that is a signal not to buy the car.

I have also been known to test drive vehicles and while test driving them, making the passenger get out so that I can back the car up, pass the passenger on the road, just so I can ask them how good I look in the vehicle.

10 years ago, I purchased a vehicle called...gulp....a Dodge Grand Caravan.  My wife typically drives this car because the moment that I step into the Caravan, I immediately get low self esteem.  My car on the other hand is a Dodge Durango.  I love this car.  It makes me feel powerful, sexy, and in charge!!!!   

Due to the recent economic downturn (i.e. gas is so expensive), I have begun to drive the Dodge Grand Caravan (which shall be known here on out in this blog as the ghetto mini van).  Today when I got to work, I realized how bad the day would be.  Not because I had a busy day planned, but rather because I had just stepped out of the esteem sucking ghetto mini van.  

When I got into my office, my co-workers noticed that I was not my normal chipper self.  One co-worker asked "what is wrong."  I exclaimed (okay...ranted)  "I DON'T WANT TO BE UGLY....I DON'T WANT TO BE UNATTRACTIVE."  The co-worker asked..."what brought this on?"  I then again ranted "I DRIVE A MINIVAN!"  They obviously did not understand because they drive a Toyota 4-Runner.

I did decided today that I needed to trade in my ghetto minivan on a Hummer.  I found own at a steal (mmmm....maybe this is because of the gas prices lately).  Oh who cares....gas is now cheap, global warming is a myth, and I would look powerful, sexy, and have a HUGE self-esteem boost.  I MUST BUY NOW!!!!

Diet...A Key to My Awsomeness

I am often asked how do I stay so awsome!!! They key is in the diet. So in today's blog, I am giving up my well guarded secret.

Daily, I have: 1 Breakfast Monster, 1 Lunch Monster, and Dinner. That's it folks. I stay awsome and young and very attractive/desirable because I drink 2 Monster's a day. Yes...this is the same Monster drink you can buy at your local grocery store of convenience store. For me, I buy a case of it every two weeks from Costco. The best part of drinking Monster is that for me, it acts like a diuretic. I can eat whatever I want, and I can crap it out and still keep my hotness.

Oh....I also go to the gym daily!