Keney Rodgers...What a hot mess!

Okay let's begin with a confession. I love Oprah! I especially a crazy Oprah.

On with today's rant...

So today I was watching Oprah. She had on another idol of mine Dolly Parton (who we all know pioneered plastic surgery and without her efforts (I mean all natural breasts), we would not have the medical advancement in the feild of plastic surgery).

Dolly sang a couple of songs which were great! I was also able to forgive crazy Oprah for her singing (you know whenever Oprah has a musician on her show and she says she loves cut #1, but when that number us sung Oprah tries to sing the song and it is apparent she has no clue what the words are...that is a nugget if joy). Anyway, today Oprah knew the words. Brava!

My favorite part was when Dolly was singing and the giant screen separated behind her and out came the freakest thing I've ever seen. It was a 70 year old, father of 5 year old twins, plastic surgery all gone wrong King...Kenny Rogers. I have never seen such a freely image.

Let's all take a moment tonight and chant to Oprah that she will put forth all her power and tell Keney to put the knife down!

You might be a hooker if...

Just an observation I had today. You might be a Hooker if you were a black skirt that is so short that I can see your vijayjay with back tights and 8" heels. Just a suggestion for those who are thinking of stepping out of the house wearing an outfit like that, your a hooker and your probably on your way to the prom.

Take me out to the ballgame...

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to go to a AAA baseball game with my son. It was a lot of fun spending the time with my son, that being said, of course I took notes to blog about.

Let's begin...WHF(redrick)! Being at a baseball game is tons of fun! You get to spend a ridiculous amount if money on crappy food and souvenirs. Then you get to sit in a hard seat for slat least 2 1/2 hours watching people crouched over like they are getting a prostate examine in hope (cross your fingers) that one of these overpaid athletes (that last word might be a stretch) might hit a ball. While they are waiting on their bases, they stand their adjusting, fidgeting and grabbing their crotch. Just a thought here. But would it be to much to ask for some company out there to make a girdle that fits?

The other joy that I'd had was having to listen to a bunch of idiots yell at the batter. WTF(redrick)...why would anyone do this? As if the batter could here you in an audience if 8333! Also...who ever thought that those stupid horns were a good idea is an idiot!

I'm Affraid God Won't Recognize Me

Now that I have decided that I need to have plastic surgery, I am conflicted about whether or not to proceed. I recently began thinking about after I die what will become of my hotness. Sure, anything that I put into my body that is plastic will take much longer to decompose. But, we all die and our spirits (that look just like us...even after plastic surgery) goes to heaven.

So...If my plastic surgery sprit goes to heaven, I'm affraid that God won't recognize me. I ask myself, "Will he let me in?" I mean, I would technically be the same person inside...but a lot hotter on the outside.

Your thoughts????

AHHH....I Feel So FAT

I just finished lunch (I had 4 Ritz crackers) and I feel so fat. This is probably because I had 4 verses 3 crackers.

Anyway...this is one of the reasons why I need plastic surgery. Bring on the Lipo!

I know that there are many out there who would question why I would want Lipo. After all, most of us have watched the procedure on the Discovery, or TLC channels. It does not look like a procedure that one would want to do. But for me...I want to be hot!

Why should I have to suffer by only seeing 3 1/2 ribs. I want to see all 6! If I have to suffer through a rod being shoved up my abdominal cavity and have all of my fat sucked out, I am all for it to look HOT!

Messages of Hope...

I never understood why people put messages of hope on their cars let alone messages that they can wear. Frequently, I see a scripture of something like that on t-shirts. The other day, I saw a t-shirt that said "blessed are those who are humble." Since I am not the most humble person, I thought that I should have a t-shirt that said..."Blessed are those who are stupid who put stupid sayings on their shirts."

That would also go well with my own 10 commandments.

1. Thou shalt not be stupid and put stupid things on your shirts.
2. Thou shalt be awesome.
3. Thous shalt not be ugly.
4. Thou shalt wax any part of the body that is unnecessarily hairy.
5. Thou shalt not wear collegiate wear as your daily wardrobe.
6. Thou shalt not expose your crack (I'll discuss this later).
7. Thou shalt look in the mirror before you leave the house.
8. Thou shalt not wear mid-drifts if you have had a c-section/any body fat that would hang out.
9. Thou shalt give to the children (i.e. my charity...for more explanation read the earlier posts).
10. Thou shalt recognize my greatness and praise "The Gift."

Other Peoples New Year's Resolutions...What's Up Phatties

Okay...let's all be honest with each other. We all overate during the holidays and became FAT! Now that we have gotten that off our chests, on with the Rant!

I was at my home...the house of ego (i.e. the gym) on New Years day, and you could tell who had the resolution of de-fatting themselves. I love seeing all of the people out there who make this a New Year's resolution. Its not hard to spot them...they are overweight (generally) and they have a really neat new workout outfit.

Now don't get me wrong...I totally support those who want/need to lose weight. What I have to laugh about is why would you buy a new workout outfit (which in most cases hugs the butt to tight) when you know you won't see it through. Yes...its true, I call it like I have seen it. At my gym, I have only seen a handful of people actually make it past February with the "lose weight" resolution.