I never understood why people put messages of hope on their cars let alone messages that they can wear. Frequently, I see a scripture of something like that on t-shirts. The other day, I saw a t-shirt that said "blessed are those who are humble." Since I am not the most humble person, I thought that I should have a t-shirt that said..."Blessed are those who are stupid who put stupid sayings on their shirts."
That would also go well with my own 10 commandments.
1. Thou shalt not be stupid and put stupid things on your shirts.
2. Thou shalt be awesome.
3. Thous shalt not be ugly.
4. Thou shalt wax any part of the body that is unnecessarily hairy.
5. Thou shalt not wear collegiate wear as your daily wardrobe.
6. Thou shalt not expose your crack (I'll discuss this later).
7. Thou shalt look in the mirror before you leave the house.
8. Thou shalt not wear mid-drifts if you have had a c-section/any body fat that would hang out.
9. Thou shalt give to the children (i.e. my charity...for more explanation read the earlier posts).
10. Thou shalt recognize my greatness and praise "The Gift."
Monday, January 4, 2010
Other Peoples New Year's Resolutions...What's Up Phatties
Okay...let's all be honest with each other. We all overate during the holidays and became FAT! Now that we have gotten that off our chests, on with the Rant!
I was at my home...the house of ego (i.e. the gym) on New Years day, and you could tell who had the resolution of de-fatting themselves. I love seeing all of the people out there who make this a New Year's resolution. Its not hard to spot them...they are overweight (generally) and they have a really neat new workout outfit.
Now don't get me wrong...I totally support those who want/need to lose weight. What I have to laugh about is why would you buy a new workout outfit (which in most cases hugs the butt to tight) when you know you won't see it through. Yes...its true, I call it like I have seen it. At my gym, I have only seen a handful of people actually make it past February with the "lose weight" resolution.
I was at my home...the house of ego (i.e. the gym) on New Years day, and you could tell who had the resolution of de-fatting themselves. I love seeing all of the people out there who make this a New Year's resolution. Its not hard to spot them...they are overweight (generally) and they have a really neat new workout outfit.
Now don't get me wrong...I totally support those who want/need to lose weight. What I have to laugh about is why would you buy a new workout outfit (which in most cases hugs the butt to tight) when you know you won't see it through. Yes...its true, I call it like I have seen it. At my gym, I have only seen a handful of people actually make it past February with the "lose weight" resolution.
WTH.......Tender Mercy's
I have to share something odd that I saw this weekend. In the community where I live, I frequently see people who have signs asking for money, food, gas, help, or whaterver else their little hearts want. This weekend, I saw someone trying to pull at my heartstrings (and have tender mercy).
There was a lady sitting in front of the grocery store with a sign that said "being evicted need help."
I was not shocked by seeing this...after all, people are suffering hard right now. What I did think was odd was that the lady had clutched in her hand a Louis Vuitton bag! WHAT THE CRACK!!!! If I was panhandling and I had a Louis, I would LEAVE IT AT HOME!!!! The idea behind panhandling is that you need to look like your desperate for what you want. Holding a purse that costs over a grand is not that way to look like you need help!
There was a lady sitting in front of the grocery store with a sign that said "being evicted need help."
I was not shocked by seeing this...after all, people are suffering hard right now. What I did think was odd was that the lady had clutched in her hand a Louis Vuitton bag! WHAT THE CRACK!!!! If I was panhandling and I had a Louis, I would LEAVE IT AT HOME!!!! The idea behind panhandling is that you need to look like your desperate for what you want. Holding a purse that costs over a grand is not that way to look like you need help!
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Years Resolutiosn....
As part of my annual process of self-evaluation (which is hard since I am fully aware of my greatness), I have come up with my annual list of New Year's Resolutions.
#1. Become More Wealthy: Thanks so Suzie Orman (who is my new Deity), I will follow her adivce implicitly. Thus...I will be more wealthy (that of course is if I don't get fired...Oh...the pressure).
#2. Share more of the Gift: No need to explain.
#3. Become even more sexy: Christmas and New Years have ruined my sexiness. Today, I returned to the gym after a week off and I am going to hit it hard. I gained 10 pounds during this last two weeks. Thus, my new diet. 1 Breakfast Monseter, 1 Lunch Monster, and a Cheerio for Dinner.
#4. Hmmm...I can't think of anything else. Ah PERFECTION!
#1. Become More Wealthy: Thanks so Suzie Orman (who is my new Deity), I will follow her adivce implicitly. Thus...I will be more wealthy (that of course is if I don't get fired...Oh...the pressure).
#2. Share more of the Gift: No need to explain.
#3. Become even more sexy: Christmas and New Years have ruined my sexiness. Today, I returned to the gym after a week off and I am going to hit it hard. I gained 10 pounds during this last two weeks. Thus, my new diet. 1 Breakfast Monseter, 1 Lunch Monster, and a Cheerio for Dinner.
#4. Hmmm...I can't think of anything else. Ah PERFECTION!
I'M BACK....HOMELESS PEOPLE MAKE ME SAD
After a long break, I have now come to a new realization of my greatness and the gift (that litterally means me) that I have to share with the world.
On my way to work, I have the great pleasure of passing through my own downtown. It is always to see the women hard at work (i.e. the whores) and all of the crack heads who talk to themselves. On Christmas Eve, I was on my way to work, and I saw lots of homeless people. This really made me sad. Probably not in the conventional way that it would make most weak people feel sad. I just wished that I did not have to look at them. I get living on the street (especially during this difficult time in our economy), but could the city please come and scoop these people off the street for a couple of hours while I am going to work.
No offense to those in need. Afterall, I do support many organizations by writting a check. I write checks so that I don't have to feel all the sadiness in the world. Also...I figure that if I don't have to see it, it really does not exist.
On my way to work, I have the great pleasure of passing through my own downtown. It is always to see the women hard at work (i.e. the whores) and all of the crack heads who talk to themselves. On Christmas Eve, I was on my way to work, and I saw lots of homeless people. This really made me sad. Probably not in the conventional way that it would make most weak people feel sad. I just wished that I did not have to look at them. I get living on the street (especially during this difficult time in our economy), but could the city please come and scoop these people off the street for a couple of hours while I am going to work.
No offense to those in need. Afterall, I do support many organizations by writting a check. I write checks so that I don't have to feel all the sadiness in the world. Also...I figure that if I don't have to see it, it really does not exist.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Another Tale From The Gym.....
Okay...let me set the scene for you... I was again in the sauna at the gym, there were two other guys in there with me. One of the guys was 6 foot 10 inches tall (at least)...(stay with me...that is an important point). As we all were sitting there, this old man came in with a mat.
Initially, I was confused. We were sitting in the dry sauna and the mats are used in the wet sauna. As the old man brought himself and his mat in, he placed it on the floor. I was thinking okay...the old guy wants to stand. That was until he began to do his yoga. Now...don't get me wrong. I frequently am seen stretching in the sauna. After all, this is probably the best place to do so. That being said, there is a common courtesy rule that you stop this when the sauna is full. So...in our case, the old man should not have done his yoga unless there was more room and less people.
Now, the old man placed himself in front of the 6 foot 10 inches tall man. The poor by standard (the 6 ft. + man) was sitting there minding his own business when the old man decided to bend over place his butt face of the 6 ft + man and remain in that position for a good 10 minutes. The 6 ft+ man did not even flinch! I was amazed. I even began to laugh out loud. The old man did not like this apparently...he stared at me through his old man legs. After about 10 minutes of this, the old man stood up. Yes, finally, the awareness would be over. That lasted for about 30 seconds until the old man began to do his hip isolation's! What the CA%()#TU)(GEW^%@? This is not Jazzercise! So I could not take it anymore....I left the sauna for a few minutes.
After cooling off, I decided to go back into the sauna. I opened the door and proceeded to step into the sauna when on the floor directly inside the sauna was the old man laying spread eagle on the floor! AHHHHH............. The morale of the story is...don't do creepy things in public. And, if you are old, you no longer are attractive! You no longer have the right to do crazy creepy things around those of us who are younger and yes...much hotter than you.
The Kings Prayer (that's me if you did not know).... Lord, grant me the ability to tolerate stupid old men who want to do yoga at the gym. Though they are old and have lived longer than I. Please let me tolerate having to look at them in their short shorts spread eagle upon the sauna floor.
r
Initially, I was confused. We were sitting in the dry sauna and the mats are used in the wet sauna. As the old man brought himself and his mat in, he placed it on the floor. I was thinking okay...the old guy wants to stand. That was until he began to do his yoga. Now...don't get me wrong. I frequently am seen stretching in the sauna. After all, this is probably the best place to do so. That being said, there is a common courtesy rule that you stop this when the sauna is full. So...in our case, the old man should not have done his yoga unless there was more room and less people.
Now, the old man placed himself in front of the 6 foot 10 inches tall man. The poor by standard (the 6 ft. + man) was sitting there minding his own business when the old man decided to bend over place his butt face of the 6 ft + man and remain in that position for a good 10 minutes. The 6 ft+ man did not even flinch! I was amazed. I even began to laugh out loud. The old man did not like this apparently...he stared at me through his old man legs. After about 10 minutes of this, the old man stood up. Yes, finally, the awareness would be over. That lasted for about 30 seconds until the old man began to do his hip isolation's! What the CA%()#TU)(GEW^%@? This is not Jazzercise! So I could not take it anymore....I left the sauna for a few minutes.
After cooling off, I decided to go back into the sauna. I opened the door and proceeded to step into the sauna when on the floor directly inside the sauna was the old man laying spread eagle on the floor! AHHHHH............. The morale of the story is...don't do creepy things in public. And, if you are old, you no longer are attractive! You no longer have the right to do crazy creepy things around those of us who are younger and yes...much hotter than you.
The Kings Prayer (that's me if you did not know).... Lord, grant me the ability to tolerate stupid old men who want to do yoga at the gym. Though they are old and have lived longer than I. Please let me tolerate having to look at them in their short shorts spread eagle upon the sauna floor.
r
Tales from the Gym....Yes...Another Story...
So...I have to begin by apologizing. It has been quite a while since I have had anything to blog about. I hope you won't be let down by my new stories.
Last Friday, I was at the gym, and I saw something that I thought was odd. There was a women there in a full on burka. Now...I was thinking when I initially what the crack, because we in Nevada don't typically see people wearing burka's (after all, this is not the middle east). I also was also think that this women must be new to the gym, probably trying things out for the first time (I see this a lot with men...working out in jeans and hiking boots). I did not think much of it until I saw her and her husband back again on Saturday night working out.
What was odd on Saturday is that the women was in the same burka that she wore on Friday night. This lead me to believe that this must be her workout burka. It was nice...not your typical black or gray, but it was leopard print. It kinda reminded me of the 80's when women would wear the leaped leotards with the thong going up their butt. Hmmmm...maybe some have digressed a bit!
Last Friday, I was at the gym, and I saw something that I thought was odd. There was a women there in a full on burka. Now...I was thinking when I initially what the crack, because we in Nevada don't typically see people wearing burka's (after all, this is not the middle east). I also was also think that this women must be new to the gym, probably trying things out for the first time (I see this a lot with men...working out in jeans and hiking boots). I did not think much of it until I saw her and her husband back again on Saturday night working out.
What was odd on Saturday is that the women was in the same burka that she wore on Friday night. This lead me to believe that this must be her workout burka. It was nice...not your typical black or gray, but it was leopard print. It kinda reminded me of the 80's when women would wear the leaped leotards with the thong going up their butt. Hmmmm...maybe some have digressed a bit!
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