Recent Trip Back Home

Recently...I had the great opportunity to travel back to my home town and help a good friend of mine. While I was only there four about 24 hours, I noticed many things that made me pause and say WHAT THE FREAKEDY FREAK ARE THESE PEOPLE THINKING. This is the same town that I have written before in this blog. That being said...let's begin.

#1 Crazy Observation: I could not resit to drive around downtown and take a look at the red light district. To my surprise, there was a new brothel opened. It looked just a step up from the trail park brothel that is across the street from this one. What I found funny is that there was a giant banner out in front. It ready "Laddies Welcome." WHAT THE CRACK??? I guess in a contracting economy, the Whores need to diversify themselves and offer services to both genders. Could you image that staff meeting when the madam came out to tell the Whores that they would now be servicing women. LOVE IT!!!

There was one other thing that caught my eye. On the front door, there was the typical sign that had the hours of operation. But, this sign was different from those that you typically see. It also stated if before 11:00 a.m., please call 999-999-9999 (number changed for the protection of the community of shame and of course the Whores). This astonished me. So...if I can't wait to get my fix, I can all this number and they will rush a Whore out? Why don't they just have a 1-800 number like 1-800-Whore. Oh...there's not enough letters.

#2 Crazy Observation: This community has the nicest homeless shelter I have ever seen (or at least what should become one). There was a local moron who decided to build a hotel. What is interesting about this hotel (which looks very nice) is that the front door butts up to the side (metal side I may add) of the local grocery store. Not only does this seem insane, but it was built in the parking lot of the grocery store. It looks ridiculous. That being said, the moron builder ran out of money (because in this community there are many who do not know how to forecast costs of a project, and stay within a budget). So now, the building is fenced off a with those types of fences that are held down with cinder blocks (at least until the wind blows). I think that this would make for a very nice homeless shelter. It would have easy access, and could give each homeless person their own room. Or...it would be the nicest Whore house in the community. Hmmmm.....

#3 Crazy Observation: Whenever you put up a sign...make sure it is spelled correctly. I saw a sign that was posted with our new President's name on it. Mind you...they spelled it Obomo. Hmmmmm.....That says it all. Now I am not the greatest speller. But, come on...its our President!

Anyway...it was a great trip and I loved going back. Not only to visit my good friends, but also finding these Nuggets of Joy to share with each of you. The only downside was that no one welcomed me with the praise that I deserve and my own challis.

The Crazy Lesbians...

What is up with the Crazy Lesbians....Sure, they have many talents. They like to chop down trees and build houses with the wood, they are gifted at auto repair, but seriously...what is up with them? Lets begin...

So today at the house of vanity, I saw what I have never seen before. A group of lesbians in a hot tub. They were so whacked out. All tattooed and talking all kinds of crazy. Full disclosure...I am not a fan of public display of affection. This group of Crazy Lesbians were not only displaying publically their affection, but they were so obsene that I had to leave.

What is also up with their fashion sense. Has the L Word done nothing to teach the Crazy Lesbians how to not be ugly?

I am making a declaration to all....let's not have full on orgies in a hot tub at a public place (Crazy Lesbians), and let's all try not to be ugly!

Happy Valentines Day!!!

I hope that each of you had a happy Valentines Day. I enjoyed mine...I spent time with my family and of course had sexy time with my wife (that is always a Joy)!!! That being said...I was a bit disappointed......

For several days, I had been thinking about what I should get my wife for V-Day. I know that there are the typical things such as flowers (which are ridiculous because the price for them is so inflated that they are not worth the day that they will live and then die. Perhaps I should by her flowers now that V-Day is over? I wonder if there are after V-Day sales on Flowers?), jewelry (which my wife would kill me for because she does not wear jewelry), or a secret rendezvous without the children (this would not work because we have soooo many kids that there is always one around).

So, to help me think about what I should get my wife, I started to hear for those "signals" that women like to drop. For several days, my wife had been complaining because she lost her can opener and she had to use this tiny 1" long can opener that did not really work. So I thought AH HA...that is what I will get her...a can opener. She would be so surprised and pleased because I took the hint!

On Thursday, I came home and my wife and I were talking about our days. She had mentioned that she went to the dollar store. This is always a joyful topic for me because I feel that the dollar store is only full of CRAP!!!! Then she dropped the bomb. She was so thrilled because she found at the dollar store a can opener. Without thinking, she bought it! Dang it...now I have no gift for my wife on V-Day. I guess sexytime with me will have to do!

So the morale of the story is men...you don't have to buy gifts for your wife on V-Day (such as a can opener). Just spend a little sexytime with her!

Known Truths....

There are several known truths that each of us accept. An example would be that the earth is not flat, but rather round. I recently discovered a new truth that I had not recognized before. I think that after reading this, you all will agree with me.

TRUTH: IF YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE, YOU CAN HAVE EVERYTHING!!!
After I discovered this truth, everything in my life now makes sense.

This truth was discovered at the house of vanity (for you new readers, that is the gym). I was working out in front of a mirror, and an ugly person came up behind me and wanted to watch themselves in the mirror. Of course...because I was far more attractive than the other person, they had to be submissive to my hotness and move.

I have also tested this therory in the sauna. Yes...this is my favorite place to test my theories. I have found that if an unattractive person comes and sits next to me in the sauna, all I have to do to get rid of them is begin stretching, and they become intimidated by my hottness, that they again...are subjected to be submissive and LEAVE!!!!

There are so many tools also avaliable to those who are attractive. First, we have better friends than the ugly. This is obvious because we only associate with other attractive people. We don't have to suffer by looking at the ugly. Second, we get better jobs than the ugly. This of course is held in the eyes of the job holder. I am sure that crack heads and whores enjoy their jobs far more than those of us who are attractive and are not crack heds nor whores. Third, peopele evny us. Isn't that the ultamte goal? Enough Said!

If you have any personal experiences on how you are supierior because your attractive...leave us a note and share with the rest of us!

Paula Abdul is a FREAK.........

Okay...full disclosure...I love American Idol! I love that it is that time of year again when we go through the exciting process of listening to the crazy (i.e. Paula) and her wickedly funny vacant looks, and stupid commentary (this would be one of my Nuggets of Joy).

So...with American Idol having been on TV for two weeks now, we have not heard very much crazy come out of the mouth of Paula. Perhaps this is because their is a new judge. Perhaps it is that the producers told her not to open her mouth. Who knows??? So I have been a bit disappointed thus far. Last night however...my disappointment went out the window. Time for Crazy!!!

For those of you who missed it...a recap.

A very talented young women got up to sing. She did a great job, and at the end...the judges all gave her high marks. After the judges commentary/praise, the young women began to cry. Then came the Nugget of Joy....Paula then opens her mouth and said "Don't Cry...You are worthy." WHAT THE CRACK??? Worthy of what? Now, many of you might think that she was saying "worthy to move on because your very talented." But...that is not what she said. It was very weird...Paula was talking like she was a deity (i.e. Oprah) and was speaking as if this young women was worthy to be in her presence. What a Freak.....

I just wished that someone would say to Paula "your not worthy...get off the stage!"

I Got A Big Ego.....

"Hey how you doing? You know I'm gonna cut right to the chase. Some men were made. But me, myself I like to think I was created for a special purpose. You know, what's more special than me?"

My Trip to the Social Security Administration of the United States of America....Part 3

So, now were are off to the local DMV. In my town, you can go to the real DMV (which is just as bad as the Social Security Administration of the United States of America), or an express DMV. So I choose to drive 10 extra miles and go to the express DMV.

When I arrived, I entered to see 1 customer and 5 employees sitting behind a desk. I was immeidately directed to pull a number and wait. So, I sat on a long bench like couch and about 20 seconds later, my number was called. I was astonished that this process even needed to occur considering the other customer was being assisted. So, I went to where I was called to and sat down. I explained what I needed and I was directed to go and fill out the blue form on the wall. I asked if I could fill it out at her cubical and she said no. Oaky, I would understand this if there were ANYONE ELSE IN THE OFFICE!

So, I filled out my blue form and waited a few more minutes and then was called on. Then I sat and she asked what identification I would be providing. I told her I had my birth cerfiticate (which she said "that's a good start), and then I pulled out my temorpoary Social Security card that I got from the Social Security Administration of the United States of America office. Her and her co-worker looked at each other with a funny look. I asked if they had ever been there...at which they both replied yes. I asked them if they had noticed all of the ugly people. They laughed. I did give props though to all of the ugly...they did put on their best sweats for the trip to the Social Security Administration of the United States of America.

I then asked the DMV workers if they knew if there was a waiting room at the Social Security Administration of the United States of America office for those of us that were not ugly. They were puzzled by this question and said "no." I told them that I felt like asking because I did not want to sit with all of the ugly!

You may think that this is a crazy request, but I did one time go to a local clinic and after being coughed on by all of the crazy people looking for free health care (as if this is Canada), I asked the nurse where was the waiting room for those of us who could pay.

I told this to the DMV women and they could not believe I was saying this. I did really ask this question, and to my surprise...THERE WAS! I was directed to a back office waiting room were there were a couple other people WHO COULD PAY!!!!

The morale of these stories is...if you lose your Social Security card from the Social Security Administration of the United States of America, you will be punished by having to wait, deal with looking at the ugly, and being punished by having to talk to a Federal employee who has no personality!