With the New Year now upon us, like most other people in this world have their New Year's Resolutions. I was thinking about it today (of course...at the gym) and I came up with what I thought was a good list. Now, the criteria for the list are items that would improve my life and if possible the lives of others (this last part is NOT a requirement...after all, reading this blog automatically improves the lives of it's readers). So...here is my list.
#1. Become even more sexy!
I know that this may be hard for some of you to understand, but my sexiness is a constant work in perfection. When you reach my level of sexiness, you may say how can one increase their sexiness level. For me, it all has to do with ensuring that my physical appearance remains well groomed (including those eyebrows), going to the gym (so that I can have that sexy bod), and wearing sexy provocative clothing.
#2. Develop a greater self-esteem!
This may be hard for some of you to read, but I do from time to time suffer from low self-esteem. I can typically overcome this when I am watching myself at the house of vanity (i.e. the gym...you know with all the mirrors that you can watch yourself in) lifting weights and seeing my muscles get BIG.
Another important component to developing a greater self-esteem is sharing it with others. That is the sole purpose for this blog...enough said!
#3. Healing the world...
OF THE UGLINESS THAT IS ALL AROUND US.
***If you haven't yet, please donate to our foundation 10,000 strong. Remember 0.05%of all proceeds will go towards the purchase of combs for the ugly.
#4. It's all for the children....
This is our new slogan! When you donate to the foundation, you will be helping the children. Okay...this might be a stretch, but the children will be healed by me getting my unnecessary required plastic surgery.
Well...with all that on my plate, I don't think there will be any time for the typical crap that no one really does. So...that will have to suffice for 09!
Please share with us your resolution's by adding your comments to this post. Perhaps together, we can learn from one another and improve all of our lives.
P.S.
Don't think that you can enjoy this blog for free. The foundation is suffering....Don't hesitate...donate today!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Monday, December 29, 2008
I have been to HELL and back.........
Over the weekend, my parents were in town for the Christmas holiday. Typically, when they are here, we enjoy going to the movies, shopping (especially at Christmas), and just hanging out talking. This weekend however, my father took me to HELL...
So you may be wondering what my version of HELL is. It was a journey to our local Cabela's. Now many of you out there may love Cabela's. This was my first journey there. What a Treat!
My dad was shopping for shotgun shells for his riffle? that he hasn't shot in 30 years, and is having resorted. So, I was game/curiously excited to make the journey when he asked if I wanted to go.
When I arrived, I was not surprised that I was the Best Dressed person there. After all, it is a requirement that you are wearing Wranglers (yes, the ones that fit so tight that your butt is going to explode out the back of them), cowboy boots, and yes...a country western ring tone on your phone.
You might be saying what the crack, a country western ring tone? Yes it is true! I heard at a minimum 10 different phones go off with a song that went something like this....
"I have my pregnant girlfriend who I just shacked up with in the back of my F-150. She has got a gun as big a mine...that's why I love her. We like to go shopping at Cabela's for our butt hugging Wranglers. We just hope that when we bend over, our butts don't rip out of the back!
So...If you have not had the opportunity to go and witness the greatness that is Cabela's, I advise you to stop what your doing, take your camera, and go immediately! Don't forget to take pictures of the craziness and email them to todaysrant@gmail.com!
So you may be wondering what my version of HELL is. It was a journey to our local Cabela's. Now many of you out there may love Cabela's. This was my first journey there. What a Treat!
My dad was shopping for shotgun shells for his riffle? that he hasn't shot in 30 years, and is having resorted. So, I was game/curiously excited to make the journey when he asked if I wanted to go.
When I arrived, I was not surprised that I was the Best Dressed person there. After all, it is a requirement that you are wearing Wranglers (yes, the ones that fit so tight that your butt is going to explode out the back of them), cowboy boots, and yes...a country western ring tone on your phone.
You might be saying what the crack, a country western ring tone? Yes it is true! I heard at a minimum 10 different phones go off with a song that went something like this....
"I have my pregnant girlfriend who I just shacked up with in the back of my F-150. She has got a gun as big a mine...that's why I love her. We like to go shopping at Cabela's for our butt hugging Wranglers. We just hope that when we bend over, our butts don't rip out of the back!
So...If you have not had the opportunity to go and witness the greatness that is Cabela's, I advise you to stop what your doing, take your camera, and go immediately! Don't forget to take pictures of the craziness and email them to todaysrant@gmail.com!
Saturday, December 27, 2008
I don't get Dude language...Another Story From The Gym!
So...
A couple of day's ago, I was at the gym, Yes, sitting in the sauna (where all people become crazy and STUPID). There was a girl and I (both wearing our iPods), and another guy. Background info: The girl was laying on the top bench and I was sitting. The way the benches work is that the top one sits on the bottom one. So...if you are sitting ont he top bench, your feet are on the bottom. Typically, when there is more than two or three, I will pull my feet up to the top bench so there is more room for people to sit.
When the second guy came in, I scooted over so that he could sit on the top bench if he wanted. Of course, the girl laying down was a complete Tool and did not move (for those who are not gym goers, that is bad gym edicate). All of the sudden, another guy entered the sauna...this is where things go crazy).
So that second guy said "what's up my brother." This made me confused because neither guy #1 nor guy #2 looked like each other. Guy #2 responded by saying "What's up?" Then I heard guy #2 start taking crazy (this is when I turned off my iPod). "Man you know what is bad for you?" said guy #2. "Beer!" Then he said "you know what is good for you?....Wine." Guy #2 said "yes...the red kind! Its got all of those antioxidants in it."
Then guy #2 starting taking about when he was in high school and he drank liquid cocaine. What the crack is that????
To continue....guy #1 responded by saying "man, I would never drink anything that is called liquid cocaine. Man that must really mess you up." "Yes man...it does" replied guy #2. Then guy #1 said that he would never drink that because he had a brother he did cocaine in high school. Then he turned to drug dealing and ended up in prison. Apparently that was bad because he has a "shorty" in San Diego that he has not seen in three years.
Okay, let me stop there. What the CRACK is a shorty? Is it a kid, a girlfriend? Please, someone who can interprete stupid dude language fill me in.
Guy #2 said "really, your brother is in prison? Man, I joined the army because I was messed up and I did not really want to go to prison."
Okay....no offense to those who serve our country, but I don't want only those who join so that they can stay out of jail serving our country. That is crazy!!!!
The morale of this story and many on this blog is that if you are going to talk stupid and say stupid things (even if you are speaking in your native language of Dude), be aware of those around you. Even those with iPods in may turn them off to hear your crazy (and yes...blog about them).
A couple of day's ago, I was at the gym, Yes, sitting in the sauna (where all people become crazy and STUPID). There was a girl and I (both wearing our iPods), and another guy. Background info: The girl was laying on the top bench and I was sitting. The way the benches work is that the top one sits on the bottom one. So...if you are sitting ont he top bench, your feet are on the bottom. Typically, when there is more than two or three, I will pull my feet up to the top bench so there is more room for people to sit.
When the second guy came in, I scooted over so that he could sit on the top bench if he wanted. Of course, the girl laying down was a complete Tool and did not move (for those who are not gym goers, that is bad gym edicate). All of the sudden, another guy entered the sauna...this is where things go crazy).
So that second guy said "what's up my brother." This made me confused because neither guy #1 nor guy #2 looked like each other. Guy #2 responded by saying "What's up?" Then I heard guy #2 start taking crazy (this is when I turned off my iPod). "Man you know what is bad for you?" said guy #2. "Beer!" Then he said "you know what is good for you?....Wine." Guy #2 said "yes...the red kind! Its got all of those antioxidants in it."
Then guy #2 starting taking about when he was in high school and he drank liquid cocaine. What the crack is that????
To continue....guy #1 responded by saying "man, I would never drink anything that is called liquid cocaine. Man that must really mess you up." "Yes man...it does" replied guy #2. Then guy #1 said that he would never drink that because he had a brother he did cocaine in high school. Then he turned to drug dealing and ended up in prison. Apparently that was bad because he has a "shorty" in San Diego that he has not seen in three years.
Okay, let me stop there. What the CRACK is a shorty? Is it a kid, a girlfriend? Please, someone who can interprete stupid dude language fill me in.
Guy #2 said "really, your brother is in prison? Man, I joined the army because I was messed up and I did not really want to go to prison."
Okay....no offense to those who serve our country, but I don't want only those who join so that they can stay out of jail serving our country. That is crazy!!!!
The morale of this story and many on this blog is that if you are going to talk stupid and say stupid things (even if you are speaking in your native language of Dude), be aware of those around you. Even those with iPods in may turn them off to hear your crazy (and yes...blog about them).
Sorry for the lack of posting....
It has been several days since I have had the opportunity to blog. I have been earnestly looking for stories to tell you all, but with the holiday's, stupid people have not been up to their job of being stupid. Until today............
Okay...I have another gym story...this is where I get my best stuff.
So today, I was sitting in the sauna when another guy came in. I had my iPod on which is typically for most people at my gym. Full Disclosure....my iPod has been having some problems. One side of the ear phones stopped working. So as I sat in the sauna, I could hear music out of only one side (that is the important part).
After being in the sauna for a couple of seconds (really like 2), the other guy started talking to himself. I thought this was weird, so of course, I turned down my iPod so I could ease drop. What the guy was saying was a bit odd. HE STARTED SAYING OBSCENITIES!!! He was saying S$%@$%$ and F&*&%%$$&*, and all kinds of CRAZY!!! What was interesting was that he was not saying it in a way like he was in pain or that the sauna was hot. He was saying it in an enjoyable way.
The morale of this story is....if you see someone with earphones on, don't assume that you can talk crazy and no one will notice/blog about it later! What a Tool!
Okay...I have another gym story...this is where I get my best stuff.
So today, I was sitting in the sauna when another guy came in. I had my iPod on which is typically for most people at my gym. Full Disclosure....my iPod has been having some problems. One side of the ear phones stopped working. So as I sat in the sauna, I could hear music out of only one side (that is the important part).
After being in the sauna for a couple of seconds (really like 2), the other guy started talking to himself. I thought this was weird, so of course, I turned down my iPod so I could ease drop. What the guy was saying was a bit odd. HE STARTED SAYING OBSCENITIES!!! He was saying S$%@$%$ and F&*&%%$$&*, and all kinds of CRAZY!!! What was interesting was that he was not saying it in a way like he was in pain or that the sauna was hot. He was saying it in an enjoyable way.
The morale of this story is....if you see someone with earphones on, don't assume that you can talk crazy and no one will notice/blog about it later! What a Tool!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
The Ridiculousness of Beyonce....AKA...I Am...Shasha Fierce
Okay....Full Disclosure...I think that Beyonce is incredible. Her new CD is GREAT! Okay...on with the rant.
Her new double disc CD is called I AM...Sasha Fierce. For those who live under a rock and do not keep up with Beyonce, Sasha Fierce is an alter ego (that she uses for her performances). Now, I get that, but how whacked out is it that she has a name for her alter ego?
Not to be out done by her, I have created my own alter ego. I am calling it AH...Fierce. I have also decided write a one man show and I will call it...I am...AH Fierce,/You May Now Worship Me! Like Beyonce, the first half of the show will be called I am...AH Fierce and the second half will be called You May Now Worship Me!
Imagine this. Me (the sexy beast that I am) descending from a platform out of the air doing the Beyonce walk from the music video Crazy In Love....Gosh that is great STUFF!!!
In Honor of crazy Beoynce, I would like to bring your attention to a song that is on her new album. It is my new mantra:
It's too big, It's too wide, It's too strong, It wont fit
It's too much It's too tough I talk like this Cuz I can back it up
I have a big ego, Such a huge ego, You love my big ego
It's too much, I walk like this Cuz I can back it up
Thanks Beyonce!!!!
Her new double disc CD is called I AM...Sasha Fierce. For those who live under a rock and do not keep up with Beyonce, Sasha Fierce is an alter ego (that she uses for her performances). Now, I get that, but how whacked out is it that she has a name for her alter ego?
Not to be out done by her, I have created my own alter ego. I am calling it AH...Fierce. I have also decided write a one man show and I will call it...I am...AH Fierce,/You May Now Worship Me! Like Beyonce, the first half of the show will be called I am...AH Fierce and the second half will be called You May Now Worship Me!
Imagine this. Me (the sexy beast that I am) descending from a platform out of the air doing the Beyonce walk from the music video Crazy In Love....Gosh that is great STUFF!!!
In Honor of crazy Beoynce, I would like to bring your attention to a song that is on her new album. It is my new mantra:
It's too big, It's too wide, It's too strong, It wont fit
It's too much It's too tough I talk like this Cuz I can back it up
I have a big ego, Such a huge ego, You love my big ego
It's too much, I walk like this Cuz I can back it up
Thanks Beyonce!!!!
Support the Foundation
Our foundation 10,000 Strong will be expanding its charitable services (as soon as people donate money). By donating a $1 (done through Pal to todaysrant@gmail.com), you will be donating to our charity (i.e. my plastic surgery). .05% of all donations will go towards a new cause....buying combs for the ugly. We at Today's Daily Rant believe that we could heal the world by helping the ugly. As we all know, 90% of ugliness can be cured with a good comb over.
Don't delay act NOW!!!
Don't delay act NOW!!!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
The Awakening
Today while I was sitting on the toilet, eating the last cupcake, and hiding from my children (in fear that they would find out that I was eating the last cupcake), I had a great awakening. THERE ARE SO MANY UNATTRACTIVE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.
Now, I know what you the reader have by now realized that I am very self-consumed. But really.....you know how the government is creating a new governmental position for a car czar? I want to be a czar for the ugly.
What I find interesting is that most people are not ugly by nature. They just make really bad choices when it comes to combing their hair (or not), they wake up in the morning and make a cognisant decision to have low self-esteem (by the way they dress themselves). I would like to make my first declaration to the ugly as their czar. WAKE UP, GET A COMB, and USE IT!!!!
Now, I know what you the reader have by now realized that I am very self-consumed. But really.....you know how the government is creating a new governmental position for a car czar? I want to be a czar for the ugly.
What I find interesting is that most people are not ugly by nature. They just make really bad choices when it comes to combing their hair (or not), they wake up in the morning and make a cognisant decision to have low self-esteem (by the way they dress themselves). I would like to make my first declaration to the ugly as their czar. WAKE UP, GET A COMB, and USE IT!!!!
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